Charity recently discovered that her husband is gay. All along, she suspected that he was seeing another woman and after investigations, she met her worst nightmare — her husband was actually dating a man. She wished she had not known and it was a bad dream. Unfortunately, reality hit home faster than she could handle: He confessed, giving graphic details of the relationship. Charity has speedily been on a downhill roller coaster of emotions.
Discovering that your husband is cheating on you is devastating, but finding out that the culprit is another man is lethal. There is no level of infidelity that does not result in marital crises, desperation, hopelessness and a sense of failure. This state of affairs is unfortunate and brings a range of emotions — shame, anger, resentment, disappointment, guilt, extreme loneliness and regret.
Most times gay or bisexual guys start relationships and families, believing that this will suppress their gay tendencies. They crave for a normal life and sometimes believe that once they settle down, they will change and be free from their bondage. Sooner than later, they begin to crave for what comes naturally to them, an action that becomes a habit and consequently a lifestyle.
Unable to find satisfaction from the marital union, the guy becomes desperate and quickly falls back to his comfort zone. Many times, this does not necessarily mean he loves you any less but that he has a sexual need that must be met.
Charity is wounded. She feels like shutting herself out of the world and prefers to stay away from social life.
Her pain is unbearable.
She thinks she is to blame. “I have not been able to meet his needs and that is devastating. He has never complained or indicated that there was a problem in the entire six years of our marriage”.
Her world is shattered. This state of affairs can have a major impact a woman’s self-esteem. Often, she feels responsible and wonders what she could have done differently to change the situation. It is important to understand that this has nothing to do with you as an individual and has everything to do with your partner.
Where do I go from here?
It is important to manage the extreme emotions of shame and guilt through therapy.
Acknowledge your pain and emotions and take time out before confronting this situation. It is difficult to be rational when you are not in control of your emotions. It’s important to keep your cool and think of how you would like this discussion to progress. One thing that you should know is that your husband has also been hurting. He is also going through shame, guilt and fear.
This is not a time to seek assistance from friends and family because they have no capacity to deal with such a weighty matter. Confidentiality is important and utmost respect and consideration should be provided. It is a time for compassion and an opportunity to bring healing to your best friend and father of your children.
Take comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone. No temptation has overcome you that is not common to man.
God is faithful and will provide a way of escape. Others have been helped and so can you and your husband.
The writer is a relationship coach and author, Marriage Built to Last
You can reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke
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