The reality check after Valentine's

Aha, he did not show up on Valentine’s Day as expected, neither did he send you roses, chocolates, flowers or even a love note, text or email, how sad! I do not wish to rub it in but even worse still, he did not answer your calls or even return your text message.

My questions to you are simple: “Is the relationship worth working on or is it time to end it and move on?  Why do you continue to behave like the world owes you everything you have lost? For how long will you wear that long face? How long will everyone around you be walking on egg shells and how long will you cry and brood?” Honey, wake up and smell the coffee, he is not interested in you, period! The sign is written on the wall, but you have continually lived in denial. He moved on a long time ago and so should you. Now it’s time for a reality check.

A BROKEN HEART

A broken heart can cause such intense pain and distort reality, completely robbing one of the life’s meaning, work, hobbies and even friends. Why do breakups hurt so much, even when it is so obvious that the relationship is not going anywhere? I like the theory of Elizabeth Kubler Ross, who suggests that just as death and dying causes grief, so does relationship break up in the same intensity. In her opinion, they too, will experience the five stages of grief — anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and replacement. The loss is intense because it represents not only the loss, but also of future shared dreams and aspirations. Sometimes to recover, one may require professional help.

ACCEPT REALITY

Everything is disrupted; your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationship with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A break up brings uncertainty about the future; one wondering what life will be like without their partner. Will I find someone else? Many ponder. Will I end up alone?

These unknowns are often threatening and bring about fear, anxiety and apprehension. Recovering from a break up is no walk in the park.  It is helpful to know that even though it is challenging, many have healed and moved on, and so can you. Be patient with yourself and seek the help you need. Most romantic relationships begin on a fantasy level with much anticipation and excitement for the future. When these relationships fail, individuals experience disappointment, stress and grief.

Steps to help you heal:

1: Accept the reality of the break up: Accepting that the relationship is over is the first step of that process.  Living in denial only lengthens the grieving period and prolongs your pain.

2: Grieve all you need to: You will experience a variety of emotions, which should not be ignored. Allow yourself to feel anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, jealousy, shame, depression and even despair. Work towards your healing by sharing and having a partner to walk the journey. One can also experience physical illness, so take good care of your health.

3: Face it head on: After you have allowed yourself time to grieve, face the reality with logic and if you need help, seek it. You will have done enough soul searching and even crying, so it’s time to move on. 

4.  Give yourself a treat: Whatever you can do to feel good about yourself, do it. You are beautiful and you need to pamper yourself. Appreciate yourself.

Let the broken heart leave you better and not bitter. The experience makes a greater you.

The writer is a relationship coach and author of Marriage Built to Last.

Reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke