Football, witchcraft and desperate penniless man seeking quick cash

I am the type of football fan who does not lose sleep over loss by my team. In fact, the only time I am watching the beautiful game seriously is when they replay match highlights and the only thing we get to see is the goals going in.

You all know that moment when strangers hug and entire stadium erupts in a frenzy. None of the 90-minute goalless draw football worshippers sometimes have to endure. But I came to realise the folly of my lukewarm love of the beautiful game when recently my neighbour Ondiek undertook a complete makeover of his house and bought the new Samsung Galaxy S6.

I know I should be happy for my neighbour. I am aware I should not allow the green-eyed monster possess and raise my envy at his good fortune. I agree with what the good book teaches on love and the commandment against coveting.

But all that can only be applicable if the guy next door is not such a big show off. In the case of Ondiek, the man is nothing short of a temptation. He displays all qualities that I do not possess like hair at the top of his head and swag.

And to add insult to injury, the guy is sporting the latest smartphone, threatening to jam my mulika mwizi just to demonstrate what it can do. “Ukicheza hiyo kabambe yako will lose network,” he said showing me the display of his new Samsung S6.

And then Michelle learnt from his wife their home underwent a complete makeover that must have cost an obscene amount of money. The kind of makeover that makes your wife feel as though she has married beneath herself.

Countless times I have caught Michelle mumbling that she wishes she belonged next door. I do not know whether to invite her to leave or just keep ignoring her vanity. However, the new transformation of Ondiek this time took the biscuit and I had to do something about my dwindling fortunes courtesy of an order by Michelle.

“You are neighbours, you should talk. Find out where they are getting all this money,” Michelle ordered, saying she would not mind living like a real human for a change.

And that is how I ended up inviting myself for a cup of tea at Ondieki’s. It was easy, I just feigned interest in his new baby and he was more than willing to take me through the specs.

“Baba this app sends a beatification application to the Vatican,” he was telling me when I suddenly asked him the source of his new found fortunes.

The man just flashed his super white smile and said one word. “SportPesa! My team won the English Premier League and that is how I got to collect on my bets. I then found out which other cups were yet to be won and learnt that the FA cup would be up for grabs at the end of the month. After going through the process of placing my bets, I discovered that if you can indeed predict the outcome of the game, you stand a chance to make a lot of money.

I communicated the knowledge to Michelle who said she could help with confirming that our bets went through. That is how I got introduced to Profesa Mwanga.

The man is said to be the night runner’s association honorary member. His stock in trade includes solutions for social distresses like Kenya Power bill, Madeni, Mshwari Loan and the like.

I asked the man whether he could wizard my bet so that Arsenal win the FA cup.

“That is the easiest job in the world. All you have to do is deposit with me a premium of a third of the amount you expect to collect and then leave the rest to me,” Profesa Mwanga declared.

He also reminded me that he had to have the money before the beginning of the game or he would strike out the deal.

Quick mental calculation of what ‘Professor’ required as well my betting expenses to SportPesa left me no choice but to take my vehicle logbook to a shylock and then await the magic.

So, all I have to do is sit back, relax and await the final whistle. If you see my bald head cheering Arsenal like a demented Luanda Market mchizi, just understand that my living depends on a win. ‘Minataka funga bao!’