10 things you are likely to hear after disaster strikes

 A building that collapsed at Makongeni in December 2014

For as long as we live, we will always be subjected to the highs and lows of life, including calamities. Our preparedness depends on how we react to what befalls us.

Here is a look at some of the most common explanations you are bound to get after a disaster:

1. Security has been beefed up

We don’t need prophets to tell us that next time a disaster hits us, this phrase will pop up. We beefed up security when people were murdered in Mpeketoni, Kapedo and Mandera, to name but a few incidences.

2. There will be a crackdown

During festive seasons, rainy seasons or Fridays, lives are increasingly lost through road carnage. That is common knowledge now.

A crackdown in Kenyan parlance means that all vehicles, including ‘road worthy’ ones will be rounded up. Traffic police will be drooling with expectation as transport is paralysed. After everyone is well fed, ‘unroadworthy’ vehicles will, once more, be let loose upon our roads.

3. We shall set up a commission of inquiry

Now, this well-worn statement comes in handy after something particularly nasty has taken place, and there is urgent need to buy time so as to cool down the anger of the masses. Some commissions have never released their findings, and when they do, it is so watered down, you can swim in it!

4. No stone will be left unturned

Well, as the late Bishop David Gitari once observed, some stones are too heavy to turn. Still, some Kenyans will ask, why turn stones when you can throw them?

5. We urge Kenyans to stay away from the scene

A building has just collapsed, an oil tanker or a lorry carrying alcohol has just overtuned. Such advice in Kenya is best observed in breach. We have enough graveyards and badly deformed bodies to attest to this.

6. Perpetrators shall be brought to book

“We assure the public that all perpetrators shall be brought to book. We shall pursue them both on land and air. We shall not relent in our effort to protect our citizens,” so goes the line. Meanwhile, the ‘perpetrators’ are also watching this with their popcorns, as they plan the next attack.

7. We appeal to the public not to take law into their hands

A well-known robber has just been killed. A thief has just been set on fire. A child defiler has just been beaten up by masses. Media gives a Kenyan police officer airtime. Like five above, this one is also observed in breach. Sometimes, the police oblige us when they urge us ‘tumalize kazi’

8. We are one

When disaster strikes, we forget our differences. Like in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, we only reconcile over dead bodies. We however cannot wait for the wreaths to properly wilt before normal service is resumed, hating kama kawaida.

9. It was an act of cowardice

Terrorists enter Kenyan soil and stage an attack or bandits kill over 20 police officers. Leaders call for a press conference and say, “We condemn this cowardly act with the strongest possible terms.”

Well, cowardice would have to be redefined to describe a gang, that storms into a building, shoot people, eat, conduct prayers and exit at their own will.

10. Government shall meet the burial costs

It is easier to bury the dead than protecting loss of further lives, after all, it is taxpayers’ money.