I suspect that my wife of 20 years is having an affair and it’s killing me

I am a doctor. I have been married to a nurse for 20 years and we have been blessed with four children. I have a problem with my wife as a result of rumours circulating around the hospital. Word is she is having an affair with a male nurse. This information is in the public domain. I have no evidence so far but I get information especially when they go to seminars that they are often spotted in compromising positions. I am embarrassed and depressed about this that I sometimes just break down and cry. Even my daughter is aware of this situation. She denies it every time I ask her about this and so I don’t know what to do. I just want to divorce her yet I don’t. I am confused and depressed and need your advice on this. Please help.

{Gideon}

WHAT THE READERS SAY:

Gideon, affairs are emotional subjects in a marriage and quitting is never easy especially when the people involved are within the same environment. It is like quitting alcohol then continue hanging around the bar and friends that got you into the problem in the first place. For a while, you can resist it because you have some willpower and a spouse who is looking at you with deep pain in their eyes. But after a while, you start suffering and realise your spouse isn’t going to get better right away, so it’s hard to believe that the situation will get easier.

{Rachael Wandia}

Try and involve another person, a close family member of hers that you are free with to talk to her. The thing about rumours is that they are always devoid of truth depending on who is peddling them. It is also possible that some people are simply jealous of your marriage. Life is a series of problem-solving circumstances. Wake up from your depression because there is no issue that can be solved when you are stressed. Call out your wife to a serious discussion on the issue and it will be resolved.

{Aseri Dick}

Gideon, this is unfair and unkind treatment being directed towards you. Crying over this will not help you in any way, you need to find a solution to this matter. Let that woman do whatever she decides. One thing though; even if you divorced her today, the guy will not marry her. She is only good to him from your house. Let go of her and let her face the harsh cruel life. Women who think that outside is blissful, are and have been dejected and later lost all they initially had including their lives.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

You don’t expect her to admit it since she is also conscious that it’s an illicit affair. That she is not admitting it means she is not about to stop it. And that different people have given the same information confirms that it’s true. In this, there is death from depression, suicide or blind anger. You will equally not be productive and extremely irritable at work. Take a bold step by confronting the reality. The Bible allows winding up of marriage on grounds of infidelity. In order that you reinvent yourself, you may take this option. However, confront her and hear her side of the story. Bring in a third party to help and try reconciliation -- her friends, your friends and your church minister.

{Tasma Saka}

BOKE SAYS:

I do not know why you are choosing to believe the office rumour mill and not your wife. You even admit to have no evidence of her infidelity yet you have been together long enough to be in a position to pick telltale signs for anything unusual happenings in your relationship. I am not ruling out the possibility of an individual being skillful in leaving no tracks of evidence but that can only go for just a while.

I must also mention that working in the same establishment has its own challenges. Workmates envy and jealousy abounds in such settings. This is a delicate matter that requires honesty and openness from your wife. You need to also find out why she is linked to that particular male nurse. Is it possible that they have established a cordial working relationship and there is nothing more to it? The truth is we do not relate at the same level with all our colleagues. Some are close while others will forever remain distant. It is such differences that are occasionally misunderstood. So you are only left with your wife as the sure source of the truth in this matter. Let her know how this information is hurting you. Unless you have another reason, it is time you believed her. Otherwise you could end up destroying your marriage because of falsehood. Also beware of depression it only makes matters worse than they actually are. The reason why you need to get to the bottom of this.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

SIMON SAYS:

Gideon, this must be a difficult time for you as it would be for any man. Rumours will always have some element of truth but the biggest challenge is how you handle them. It is also rather unfortunate that this is happening at the workplace where she cannot avoid and more so when they go out for seminars. This is a rather awkward situation to be in I suppose and it seems this cannot be easily addressed as long as the two of them continue sharing a workplace. Suspicions about cheating whether real or imagined haunt the victims for long period so time and it only becomes worse if the culprits continue sharing a common space.

The first thing to note is that you cannot handle this matter objectively either by you or between the two of you. The emotional struggle you are going through, the sensational defence she would put up and the high level of tension that would ensue would create a potent environment that would only make it impossible to deal with this. You not only need help Gideon, you need help urgently. You will need professional counselling but this has to be a process. It would be helpful to seek some informal form of mediation first and this may only be done with the help of senior and mutually respected family members from both your side and hers.

As you prepare for mediation which in most instances if a painful and emotional process but once it is started it has to go full circle. Start talking to someone, this is a battle you cannot fight alone. As you do this, also try and get some concrete evidence about the matter as she is likely to vehemently and sensationally deny it so you will need solid evidence to support your allegations. On such matters, there are people willing to assist even from her office but of course you have to be careful with this otherwise it can also close up all avenues of getting the evidence. The ending process would be counselling. Seek help fast Gideon, this thing can eat you up alive and lead to may other situations that may be avoided such a depression.

Simon is a relationships counsellor