Why avoiding 'the fidelity talk' sets couples up for heartbreak

Fidelity is a personal responsibility, with cognitive and emotional forms linked to attachment, bonding, safety and investment (Photo: iStock)

Couples often only begin to discuss the delicate topic of fidelity, or the lack of it, when suspicion starts to creep into the relationship. Consultant psychologist James Bosse says this makes it a reactive conversation driven by emotional intensity or potential separation.

Fidelity is a personal responsibility, with cognitive and emotional forms linked to attachment, bonding, safety, and investment. It also includes behavioural forms such as physical, financial, and online misdeeds, a common form of infidelity, which is why people snoop on partners’ phones.

He explains that emotional infidelity can be more painful than physical infidelity because it is not visible and threatens attachment security. Betrayal can trigger a fight or flight response, leading to loss of emotional safety, trust, self-worth, and self-doubt.

“Couples think that fidelity only means sexual exclusivity because that is what people grow up understanding – that it has to involve sexual intimacy, when that is not the case,” he says.

Defining fidelity early in a relationship entails self-identity and independently mapping out boundaries so that they can merge that identity with expectations. “Fidelity functions as a psychological contract. It is individually entered into but experienced by both parties in the relationship,” he says.

Couples should discuss fidelity early to avoid mismatched expectations, requiring emotional safety and non-judgmental listening.

He says infidelity has evolved with technology and now includes open relationships, situationships and friends with benefits, shaped by values, upbringing, and attachment.

“Couples should be able to discuss temptation openly, including situations where someone feels drawn to another person,” he says.

He advises against defensiveness when a partner admires someone else, noting that commitment is a conscious choice to maintain boundaries and explore unmet needs.

Relationships become risky with secrecy, dependency and blurred boundaries, often due to misunderstandings of autonomy and care.

Healthy boundaries require open communication, emotional maturity and ongoing negotiation. “Unclear boundaries usually arise when there are no explicit agreements and where certain behaviours have been socially normalised without discussion,” he notes.

Though communication right after betrayal is usually reactive, avoidant and defensive, ideally, it should be structured communication.

After infidelity is discovered, he advises first regulating emotions, as initial reactions shape whether the relationship heals or worsens. Infidelity is not always a deal breaker and depends on personal thresholds, values, and attachment styles, meaning it is often negotiable.