Bunge chronicles: How to get a flag in Ruto's Kenya Kwanza government

From left: Musalia Mudavadi (Prime CS nominee), Mercy Wanjau (nominee, Secretary to the Cabinet) and Aden Duale (Defence CS nominee)

To all the hustlers who doubt whether Kenya has a place for them - it does. Unless, of course, you are planning to be a waziri. But if you have Sh100 million lying somewhere, you might just get lucky. For four billion, they might just create a new position for you. Oops, they did that already!

Don’t get me wrong, it is possible to fly a flag on a fuel guzzler, have traffic cleared for you, have a police officer carrying your handbag and everything else that a waziri does, but the job demands a set of skills not common among honest and hardworking folk classified as hustlers.

Honesty has to go out of the window, as it will only earn you ridicule when you face the vetting panel of waheshimiwa, whose powers are limited to saying yes to whatever the Appointing Authority desires. You’ll need to lie with a straight face and promise to work, make a difference, when all you crave is a siren, like those on ambulances.

Coupled with that is a tainted past. A mere blot won’t cut it. A scandal-ridden life and an appetite for public coffers make a waziri. Don’t forget to accumulate court cases. Aim for the record, currently set at 35. To impress the wahesh, you’ll need serious skeletons in the closet. Actual skeletons are highly recommended.

Stoke ethnic conflict

To be a waziri, stoke ethnic conflict, brag about rigging an election and get arrested for hate speech. Everyone likes the devil they know.

You could also seek services of a magician, the kind who know how to double riches, the kind former Speaker Justin Muturi might know.

And you will need to unlearn some lessons such as the one that says education is the key to success. No, I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to school, just don’t overdo school. Waziris aren’t the brightest people and a basic education will suffice. A grade D will take you places where As won’t. You’re better off learning more important things, like the work of a waist. Kiuno kina kazi yake, one prospective waziri knows.

The most important trait, however, is fidelity to the boss, what haters call sycophancy. Master that and a big office will be yours. And coffers with as much money as you can appropriate.

So, does Kenya have a chance for you, hustler? Of course, just not as a waziri, or in any top government office for that matter.

The only qualities of a good waziri that hustlers would posses are growing up in the toughest environments, going to school barefooted and having a polygamous father. Attending every funeral in town, too.