When Jesus answered Jeff on ‘smoking’ bench

By Maftah Yusuf

The country at the moment is attracting so much global attention that if by chance Jesus were descending from heaven, he would be forced to land in Kenya.

He would be a man in high demand with all media houses trying to improve dismal ratings by hosting such an important guest and get his ‘inside’ story.

However, he shall refuse all attempts to bastardise his divine name for commercial purposes. But we know that there is one man whose charm he cannot resist. That is the man who has sat world leaders on a hard bench and asked them the hard questions. The fact that he moved over his bench to the most authoritative television station will ensure that parables of Jesus will be heard far and wide.

Panda mbegu

“Tell us Jesus, do you receive all the ‘panda mbegu’ Kenyans are sowing every Sunday in the name of your father?” Jeff would enquire. Jesus would consult his digital scroll for the latest records and declare quite frankly, “Verily I speak to you with truth Jeff, my divine accounts indicate the only sacrifice ever received from this country was Kenyans for Kenya donations,” he would announce to the shocked Jeff.

“The contribution is attributed to several organisations whose list is here with me,” he would continue peering into his scroll. “Is The Kenya Red Cross a church? I’d like to know its priest,” he would tell a bamboozled Jeff.

“It is a man by the name of Abass Gulet,” Jeff would tell him and the interview would proceed with Jeff enquiring about whether Jesus thinks it is right for our President to go to The Hague.

“The court can only claim legitimacy if Fatou Bensouda first prosecutes the Romans for crucifying an innocent man in what was a clear case of crime against humanity,” he would declare.

With the bench smoking, Jeff would announce for someone to call G4S and then turn to Jesus. “If Bensouda is watching, and I know she is, what would you say to her?” Jeff would ask, showing him the camera to face.

To which Jesus would raise both hands to show where they drove in the nails.

To cool off the bench, which of course at that time will be on fire, Jeff would pause to read some of the tweets. @ganjaplanter from Nyeri County wants to know whether Mututho will be admitted in heaven for waging a war against keroro (beer) a direct conflict with your wine-making miracle.

 “I chose to help the people of Caana because chickens then were safe. This cannot be said of chickens in Nyeri County today. Wine doesn’t make folks go ‘kuku’ over chicken like changaa,” Jesus would say in his defence.

You guy video

The tweets would come in thick and fast and Jeff will announce that he is reading the last one which will be from a lady going by the handle @mrembowayesu who will be requesting a live TV miracle to increase the size of her assets so she can feature in the remix of P Units ‘youguy’ video.

“Jesus you know how much I’ve wanted to be a video vixen but producers always claim ‘sijajibeba’ (not well endowed). Am sure you understand, sweet Lord,” she would tweet.

 “There is a cosmetics surgery unit in heaven so just make sure you get there @mrembowayesu,” Jesus would answer.

Back to the interview, Jeff would find out Jesus’ position on cases of some prophets who perform stage-managed miracles with the help of women of questionable characters from Koinange Street.

“Like this cowboy who was in the news recently for arranging with a sinful woman to fool faithful that she had a mouth that was permanently facing Turkana County,” Jeff would say excitedly.

Casting first stone

“Whatever the case, there was nobody in the congregation fit to cast the first stone,” Jesus would declare.The interview will then shift gears to various national topics. They will range from the case of Raila Odinga who claims to have several elections stolen from right under his nose to the legendary tyranny of numbers.

 “Those with the monopoly of the tyranny of numbers should use their influence to heard the Lord’s sheep back to Church,” Jesus would advice.

“And as for Raila, if they have taken away his presidency, he should let them have ODM as well. I believe I have already taught that you should turn the other cheek.”

They will discuss the standoff between Shollei and the Judicial Service Commission where he will advise CJ Mutunga’s ‘war council’ to forgive seventy times seven times. As for the greed of Mpigs, Jesus compares them to the Pharisees.

“Their gluttony is as a result of the demons I drove into their species. In fact, now that you remind me that we have these ‘mapepo’(spirits) abroad, I have business to conduct in Timbuktu. Catch you later Jeff,” he would say, leaving the show.

The show closes with the gospel tune Kapungala.