The allure of dating a taken man

In a world where the lure of forbidden fruit and the thrill of the chase often blur the lines between desire and consequence, extramarital affairs continue to spark intense debate.

The intoxicating mix of danger, passion, and even a hint of rebellion draws many into murky territory.

Social media influencer Hannah Benta, known for her unapologetic takes, summed it up perfectly in a recent interview: “If you want to judge me, just judge me; you listen, you faint, you judge. I have always dated married men and my first love was a married man whom I stayed with for three years. He was the best and gave me a lavish life. However, if you disrespect your wife because of me, I will leave you.”

Her words sparked a flurry of reactions online.

With characteristic candour, she went on to say, “Mimi ukiniambia you are married na hunipost na sikupost (If you tell me you’re married and we don’t post each other), I don’t mind dating you. And if you propose a second marriage arrangement, I’m totally okay with it.”

Such bold declarations have divided opinions. On one hand, critics point to the inherent unfairness in engaging with someone already committed; on the other, supporters argue that these relationships expose the raw human need for emotional and physical intimacy.

As the Oxford Dictionary defines it, marriage is the legally or formally recognized union of two people, and when another relationship enters the picture, it disrupts that conventional arrangement.

Yet, in some cases, the wife is aware of the affair and chooses to overlook it, while in others, she remains completely unaware until she eventually confronts the situation often leading to divorce, separation, or a painful confrontation.

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Why married men cheat

The outcomes vary widely, which begs the question: why do married men cheat?

Many argue that married men seek extramarital relationships for emotional reasons, an escape from a relationship where they feel disconnected or unsupported.

Often, it’s not the allure of the forbidden, but rather the need for empathy and understanding that drives them towards someone else.

Physical attraction plays a significant role as well. The allure of a woman’s appearance, body language, and shared interests can be incredibly compelling. Also, when a married man meets a woman who mirrors his passions or hobbies, the connection can feel even more profound.

This dynamic is mutual; women, too, can be drawn to the perceived excitement and challenge of engaging with a married man, often seeking the thrill of proving something to themselves or others.

“For a man to cheat on his wife, it is her fault. Your man cannot come home and find you dressed in baggy shorts or pants, a football jersey and stockings on your head. A woman needs to be attractive all the time to spice up the marriage. When such a man comes to me, I know what to do to keep him interested,” says digital creator Hannah Benta.

However, some married men engage in extramarital affairs to seek attention, validation and affirmation. If a married man does not receive affirmation and attention from his wife at home, he may be tempted to look for it elsewhere.

If he finds a woman who is willing to meet his needs, he may decide to have a relationship with her despite being married.

Charles Morara, a 41-year-old divorcee, goes on to explain that the root of many affairs lies in emotional neglect.

“There is no man who will go out with another woman just because he was lured by her. No woman makes a married man leave his wife. By the time a man has decided to get emotionally close to another woman, there is already a problem between him and his wife.”

“For example, it is not this other woman who got me out of my marriage, not at all. My ex kept pushing me away because her friends convinced her that the other friend (a woman) was dating me. It got to the point where they declared us a ‘couple’ and she said she would move on and let the other woman take her place. That is self-sabotage. And that is how many women set themselves up to get an affair going” says Morara.

Yet, some women pursue relationships with married men as a way to prove, “I can take him.” The thrill of being chosen by someone already spoken for offers a seductive sense of victory, a conquest that, in reality, is more about personal validation than true connection, especially when his wife remains blissfully unaware.

From time immemorial, society has frowned upon extramarital affairs, leaving little room for moral ambiguity.

Yet, one major factor driving a married man to seek another relationship is unhappiness within his marriage. When he faces persistent challenges at home and efforts to resolve these issues fall short, he may be drawn to the promise of solace and validation elsewhere.

In the search for happiness, a married man might be tempted to form a connection outside of wedlock, hoping that this new relationship will fill the emotional void left by unresolved marital problems.

Adding an unexpected twist to the conversation, a recent public meeting in Migori brought forward an unexpected perspective.

Migori Public Health Chief Officer Marbel Chanzu, speaking during World Condom Day celebrations at Rongo University, urged married women to pack condoms for their husbands during extended trips.

“When your spouse is going for a long journey that will take him days, pack for him condoms. Give him permission to do his thing,” she advised, emphasizing that such measures are essential in preventing HIV/AIDS, STIs, and unintended pregnancies.

Moreover, she pointed out that women also needed to be carrying condoms. “This is necessary so that when the devil comes, you hit him with it,” Chanzu said.

Chanzu’s remarks highlight a practical, if controversial, response to the realities of marital life and extramarital temptations.

Her pragmatic approach suggesting that a little protection might help mitigate the inevitable risks of infidelity underscores the complexities surrounding marital relationships in modern society. In her view, acknowledging and addressing these challenges head-on is far more productive than turning a blind eye.

Ultimately, extramarital affairs are rarely black and white. They are steeped in a myriad of human emotions, loneliness, passion, neglect, and sometimes even empowerment.

Whether it’s the allure of danger that draws one in or the desperate need for connection in a faltering relationship, the motivations are as varied as they are complex.

And while society may be quick to pass judgment, these relationships force us to confront uncomfortable truths about love, commitment, and the human need for affirmation.