Confessions: My friend is living a fake life on social media, I’m trapped in his borrowing cycle

I have a neighbour who is living a lie on social media. He has social media accounts that have hundreds of thousands of followers and is always posting pictures of a flamboyant life. To support this ‘lifestyle’, he spends all of his money on expensive clothes and shoes yet he is always borrowing money from me. He always says he’s about to have a breakthrough as an influencer and he will pay me back all my money plus interest (Ok, at first I had a crush on him and I thought he was legit). I live in a small flat that I inherited from my parents and I can’t move out. I feel trapped. How do I get my money back? I work hard for my money. Please help.

{Sandra}

What the readers say:

If you didn’t have a written agreement, send emails or text messages to him reminding him that a debt is owed and overdue. If he responds by apologising or asking for more time, you can use the communication as proof then as you seek legal advice.  

Fred Jausenge

You are probably not the only person he owes money; several women, and men, could have fallen prey. There is no ‘breakthrough’ on the way. You can decide to continue giving him money, which you will never get back, or live your life and forget about him.

Tasma Saka

Sandra, it is better to stop now or you will regret this forever. The only way to get your money is to involve the authorities, which may be difficult if you gave out the money in good faith and you have no signed agreement. In fact, you may end up losing even more money. Be tactful and remember not to give him any more. Just avoid him.

Ouma Ragumo-Sifuyo 

In Shakespeare’s play King John, Philip the bastard remarks, ‘‘our general evaluation of the world is often influenced by our own special interests.’’ Unfortunately for your friend, his interests lie in the banalities of fame. Sit him down and create a repayment schedule so you can recoup your money bit by bit. 

Pamba Abwire

Please let your neighbour understand and know that he need not to live a life of pretense just to please others. Talk to him about looking for a serious job or business that will help him pay his own bills and avoid getting into debts that may turn negatively on him. Stop lending him money and plan with him how he will repay you. Be straightforward with him about this. 

Rev Willis Atoyo

Boke says:

Dear Sandra,

You are more likely to carry a lesson from this whole experience than to recover your money. We cannot blame social media for the false lives that people are projecting. Social media has just come to amplify this vice. 

I wonder who came up with the phrase ‘fake it till you make it’? There is a big difference between stretching and aspiring for a higher level and struggling to impress. There is also a big difference between acting in faith and being out of touch with reality.  

All these stem from harbouring an inferior self image. Low self esteem can make an individual go to any length to get approval from those around them. If anything, why fake what can be real? A good house, a good car and all that can be a reality. But I guess such people abhor hard work. They would rather wish and fantasize. 

As for your neighbour, he will need someone or an incident to shake him back to reality. Unfortunately, you are an enabler of his lifestyle, therefore, you might not be suitable to offer that help. 

For you, you have to exercise caution when lending out money. Debts can strain and destroy relationships. I find these two guiding principles very helpful: Either only lend an amount that you are willing to lose or have a binding agreement clearly stating the payment plan. 

As things are now, it is difficult to compel your neighbour to pay back especially if you have no evidence to show that you gave out the money.  

Most likely, you might not get your money back but carry valuable lessons with you. 

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology 

Simon says:

Sandra, there is one principal lesson about money and lending to family and friends and it is as simple as this – only lend what you can afford to lose and have no hard feelings about it.

Friends and family never take money matters seriously or rather they only take money matters seriously when they are borrowing from you. The moment money changes hands (from yours to theirs) they take everything casually and when you insist on getting your money back they go around bad-mouthing you to your close acquaintances. They will accuse you of being mean, petty, impatient and pushy to them “just because you lent them money” and by the time you write the debts off, you will have destroyed many relationships and more so lost that particular family member and friend.

The other thing is that if you have been lending someone money over and over and they have not come round to paying you, they are probably never going to pay you. The right thing to do here is to stop further lending and make it a requirement that any further discussions about money shall only be held subject to clearance of all outstanding debts. This is because people have a high affinity to other people’s money especially when it is easily available. Even they know how naïve you are to expect that they will pay you in due course when things take a turn for the better.

This man is not only taking advantage of the fact that he knows you like him but is also using you till he can’t get any more and it will only be a matter of time before you see him with other women in the neighborhood and you will not be able to do anything about it.

Men who want to live off women are dangerous creatures and should not be touched with a 10-foot pole. If a man needs money, he should approach financial institutions or at the very least borrow from his fellow men. This way, there are clear channels of settling payment disputes should they arise. The thing is that when he gets on his feet, he will want to stay as far away from you as he possibly can lest you come asking him for your money.

Simon Anyona is a relationships counselor