Confessions: My wife cheated, now I am the laughing stock of the estate

My wife had two children from other men while still married to me. She always denies everything but the children’s fathers are known and they look alike. I have tried to accommodate her but this is stressing me a lot to the point that I am drinking heavily as I try to live with this. I don’t know what to do and more so with her and our other children but I keep thinking that I need to do something. Many people know about this and I think I am the laughing stock of the village with all the rumours going round. Please advice on what I can do – I don’t want to become a slave to alcohol but I feel that is where I am headed.

{Cosmas}

What the readers say:

Cosmas, drinking is not helping you solve the problem and is only aggravating it. What evidence do you have that the kids are not yours apart from the word on the street? It is a bad fact that many men are raising kids that are not their own in our present world. You can seek help from your wife's family because this is an issue past the borders of your family.

{Aseri Dick}

One reason many commit suicide or get into alcoholism is because they refuse to accept the situations as they are in. You may have as well married her with the two kids and it would not make her a lesser wife to you. Accept your situation because how many of us live in their houses with children sired by their 'neighbours' (with or without their knowledge). If anything, even the one you suspect may be the one who is not yours. Again, even if they were his, are you sure you are not the one who has driven your wife into sex with him. Accept that you cannot reverse the situation.

{Tasma Saka}

By law, the husband is the legal father of any child born to the wife in the course of a marriage. This is true even if the husband and wife were separated when the child was born. This therefore means the children belong to you regardless of whether you fathered them or not.

{Mercy Ndwiga}

Simon says:

Cosmas, this is a complex problem you have but I am afraid that you are only running away from your troubles. The problem with running away from your troubles is that you can only run so far and no matter how hard and fast you run the problem remains there with you. Drinking is one form of running and after all the drinking the problem remains right where it was.

You say that your wife has born children with other men; I wonder what kind of evidence you have to this effect. This can be disturbing and there are mechanisms of ascertaining this. However, if you want to get to the bottom of this matter then you need to be aware of the repercussions of any action you take as well as be clear on what action you will take with the results. With regard to the repercussions, it is a difficult experience for all parties involved to undergo DNA testing to determine paternity. This is why you have to be absolutely clear that this has to be done. Then it should be clear what course of action you will take depending on the outcome. Remember all possible outcomes will have repercussions. If it turns out positive that you are indeed the father to the children then you as well as they will have to deal with this especially with issues of identity and trust in the family. If the tests confirm your fears then what action will you want to take. Could this lead to the onset of a separation and divorce process? Even with separation, you may not escape the responsibility of taking care of them because they are accustomed to a certain standard of living and if this goes to court you will most likely be compelled to continue bearing this responsibility.

Either way, it is clear that regardless of the outcome this process will bring irreparable damage to relationships and peoples identities among other things. Yes, you may get relief by knowing the truth but at what cost? There are many people out there who are bringing up children who are not theirs without their knowledge. This matter can be sorted out between you and your wife without involving the children. Feel free to involve other people in this and the aim should be to get the truth from her and assure her of your acceptance of whatever the situation is. Either way, I encourage you to stop worrying about this. Accept within that even though they may not be your children, you are the only dad they know and you don’t want to break this bond.

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

One concern stands out among the rest, and that is other people around you know those two children do not belong to you. If this be the case then you are likely to blunder more.

This kind of thinking can exert unnecessary pressure on you. You will find yourself with imaginations. For example, laughing stock of the neighbourhood. Have you honestly heard them laugh at you?

Instead of living your life around speculations you can have this matter settled once and for all, by carrying out a DNA test on the children. Looks alone should not warrant the conclusion that the children are not yours.

Once you are armed with the results then you can confidently demand for answers. Otherwise with heavy drinking I’m afraid your life is on a downhill trend and you stand a risk of drifting into depression. This is not just for you but also your wife. It hurts to imagine what your wife could be going through if by chance the accusations are false.

I strongly suggest that the two of you should clear this suspicion before doing anything else.

Whether you are right or wrong it is clear that you and your wife are not doing well in your relationship. This is because infidelity is not the kind of accusation you can easily peddle around. So, whatever the outcome you seriously need help as a couple. Preferably, get someone else, a trusted couple friend known to both of you or a counsellor to walk you through this delicate path.

Face the situation with lots of honesty and loads of forgiveness. Hope for the best and see how it goes.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology