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She won't sort me out but I can't cheat on her

Reader's Lounge - By Rose Nganga
Photo; Courtesy

I am 25, my fiancée is 30, and we have been together for about five years. We also have a daughter who is two years old. I live and work in Uganda while she stays back in Kenya with her parents. We see each other about once every month when she comes to visit me or I go home to see her. I have been trying to get her to come to Uganda but she refuses to do so insisting that I get her a job here first. I have gotten her several jobs but she still refuses to come despite the fact that she is only doing housework in her parents' home. I want her to come and stay with me because I am lonely here but she always turns me down and I don't want to cheat on her. Please advice {Mark}

Your Take:

You are 25 and she is 30. She lives in Kenya while you are in Uganda and she will not join you in Uganda. I cannot help but wonder who is overseeing who in this relationship. There seems to be a big difference between you and her. However, as the head of that union, you should be assertive and make her aware of the direction you want your relationship to take. Relationships are all about comprise and sacrifice, if she is not willing to go this route, maybe it’s time you called it quits.

{Onyango Outha}

Mark, there are two things here, either she hasn’t made up her mind yet if she wants to settle down with you or you’ve been too ambitious. She’s 30 and you are 25, of course she knows what she wants. Ask her the hard questions and with that you will be in a position to know whether both of you are on the same page or you have been dreaming on your own.

{Tasma Saka}

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Your fiancée is playing her cards well, five years without marriage is more than the recommended period for courtship. How can she stay with you this long before being legally betrothed to you? She has other plans and they don’t include you. This is why she still stays with her parents. If both of you are serious about your relationship then plan for a wedding and live together happily thereafter.

{Pastor Ben Shikuku}

I encourage you to go back home and have a serious talk with her. You may also involve other members of her family so that you get to know where the problem is. Why is it that you have been getting her jobs yet she is still stubborn about joining you in Uganda? Don’t waste any more time with her if she is not serious with you. Get her to tell you the truth or quit the relationship.

{Fred Jausenge}

Mark, I am somewhat appalled at your situation and would like to understand a little bit more about your relationship. I would be keen to understand how you started off, how the two of you relate and several other things. This is profoundly because there seems to be some glaring differences between you two that may also be contributing to the problems you are facing at present.

Counselor’s Take:

For starters, she is five years your senior. Not to say that such relationships do not work, they do. However, a lady who is five years your senior may not take you very seriously in her life. At her age, she knows and has seen many more things than you have and I am inclined to think that there are some underlying reasons as to why she is becoming stubborn about moving to Uganda with you.

In my opinion, she may be way above the job that you are undertaking in Uganda as well as the ones that you are securing for her. Have you asked her why even after you secured several jobs for her why it is still difficult for her to relocate? Is it the jobs she does not like or are there other reasons why she does not want to join you in Uganda?

It is really strange for a woman to have a child with a man yet continually refuse to join him wherever he is working. This may be an indicator that she may be having other priorities other than you. Universally, women are very territorial and always want to be sure that no other beautiful or younger women are preying around their man.

This is why most of them quit even high paying jobs to join their husbands wherever they are to ensure that their interests are well taken care of. I encourage you to be a little more assertive when it comes to this issue. She needs to either come with you or give you convincing reasons as to why she may not be able to join you in wherever you are. My conviction is that she has some strong reasons as to why she is reluctant to join you.

However, do bear in mind that it may be that she does not like the jobs you are capable of getting for her for one reason or the other. Maybe they are too low for her or maybe she is just too comfortable at her parents' house to consider a life of hustling in Uganda. These are all possibilities that you need consider carefully and get her to make a final decision as to what she really wants out of this.

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