Love brewed in church: How brethren find lovers in their seach for God

Looking for someone to marry or just to have fun with? Forget about the ‘lonely hearts’ columns in newspapers and magazines. Don’t even bother with dating agencies, Facebook and other social media sites.

Just go to church and join the throngs who have discovered that these hallowed places provide fertile hunting ground for partners. The religious solemnity once associated with the church seems to be slowly eroding as the younger generation takes over.

Marking where cute women sit

Indeed, many a relationship has been bred and nurtured right in the middle of a sermon. Young churchgoers have devised many ways of hunting for partners even as they praise the Lord. No wonder that some churches are full to the brim during congregational prayers.

Picture this. We are in a church in the city centre listening to a charismatic preacher deliver a rather punchy sermon.

Seated next to us are two young and pretty ladies who keep looking in our direction and smiling sheepishly every time the pastor cracks a joke. Eventually, one of the ladies passes over a note. It reads: “I hear God speaking to me that we can really make a great couple. What do you think?”

My friend is left with his mouth agape, not sure how to respond. Perhaps he should have borrowed from the wisdom of British author Quentin Crisp, who said: “A gentleman doesn’t pounce, he glides. If a woman sits on a piece of furniture which permits your sitting beside her, you are free to regard this as an invitation, though not an unequivocal one.”

Others will even attempt to mark the exact place where their target sits every Sunday so that the next time he or she comes in, they are already seated on the next chair or just within vicinity. He or she will wholeheartedly welcome the target and let it be known that they had been preserving the seat.

They will go to the extent of wiping the seat. They will then warmly welcome their target as if it were their house and try to capture their attention with all manner of stories even as the sermon goes on. This they will do in the hope that, with time, the target will respond positively and the rest will follow.

Bizarre methods used by ladies

‘Extremists’ will employ some bizarre methods to win the hearts of their prey. Some women sit on front rows and temp young pastors and male churchgoers by exposing thighs, legs and their bosoms.

I recall an incident when a lady who was one of the most committed church members laid a trap for the youthful associate pastor at a different church after he had turned down her sexual overtures for quite some time.

She attended a kesha (overnight prayer meeting) at the pastor’s church on a Friday evening. Having done her research well, she was aware that her prey would be leaving after midnight.

As midnight drew near, she pretended she was not feeling well and since she came from far, she requested the pastor to allow her to take a rest in his car. The pastor obliged. Little did he know that he was swallowing the bait, hook, line and sinker.

As the time for the pastor’s departure came, she begged him to take her to his house so that she would sleep till morning, even if on the sofa.

As they reached the house, the good-hearted pastor offered her his bed so she could sleep there as he slept on the seat.

But she humbly suggested that since he was such a God-fearing man, they could simply share the bed with no harm being done. As the pastor dozed off, she softly touched his forehead and roused him.

When the pastor tried touching her, she initially resisted lest she betray true purpose. They made love that night. She would later confess that the sickness was all a calculated plot to get him.

Tale of weak-willed pastors

Many a pastor with a weak will have been led astray by the power of the skirt. It is not uncommon to spot the pretty young women in miniskirts who sit on the front pew during church service.

As the preaching proceeds, they will keep adjusting their legs as if they are itchy, while looking the preacher in the eyes — perhaps sending a coded message.

In response, some smitten pastors will start talking animatedly as they bend and rise, shouting “Hallelujah” as if overcome by the power of the Holy Ghost.

As one writer put it, when a woman lusts after a man, he need not bother to conjure up opportunities, for she will find more in an hour than men could think of in a century.

Game of snares

Men, not to be outdone, have also devised ways to ensnare their prey. You will see a brother walk over to a lady and as they discuss some verse in the Bible, the man will drop the message that while he was praying, he was shown that she should be his fiancee. He will say how vivid the vision was, and tell her about the great things that lie ahead for them. Many have fallen for this fantasy world and found themselves engaged.

Others will use the time for worship to make their prey believe their fairy tales. There was an incident at a Makongeni church when, as the faithful worshipped, one youth leader ‘spoke in tongues’ as he shouted repeatedly the name of one of the ladies present.

The pastor, a young man, then ordered all to keep quiet as he sought to “interpret what the Lord is telling his people through this young man”. He went on to say the Lord had communicated that the young lady whose name was being mentioned should get engaged to him, the pastor.

Ladies duped in name of god

It was later discovered that this was a clever ploy hatched by the two to get the young woman to marry the pastor.

Many unscrupulous pastors take advantage of gullible members of their flock. A pastor was recently exposed in Nairobi’s Eastlands where he had made a habit of using his position to sleep with female members of the congregations.

He would ask all those who had difficulty in conceiving to go for prayers on specific days. A group of three young showy pastors would pray for them, and convince them that being anointed would make them fertile.

The women were then required to strip naked for the oil to be applied on their bodies. As the women lay, the pastors would tenderly apply the oil on their bodies. The anointing would, however, not be complete without the women making love with the men of God.

For some unknown reason, the anointment would work and some would conceive, hence the number of those seeking the ‘prayerful services’ kept increasing. It took quite a while for the scam to be discovered. Perhaps men need to be wary of those secluded prayer sessions.