7 things men can never be banned from

Njoka Nderitu, that ‘hero’ of ours who is always fighting for our rights at ‘Maendeleo ya Wanaume’, deserves a medal.

This week, he asked Kenyan men to starve their women of sex, and thus strike a hard blow, pardon the pun, for men’s rights.

In fact, I had briefly considered going to him to seek shelter recently as I underwent manufactured tribulations from some backward witch-hunters - not like our forward traveller Beryl Wanga whose motto is ‘two steps forward, one step back.’

But then I thought of Njoka’s shrill voice and re-considered.

We want our warriors coming in bass.

Besides, I get the feeling that in spite of my recommendation, the only ‘Elder of the Burning Spear’ some chaps can get are those that come with a gyno’s prescription for penicillin.

But, honestly, asking men to keep off sex to punish women is one bad, long (or not-so-long) joke.

Women who ‘ban’ their men from sex by way of punishment are also joking. He may break the bedroom embargo by barging off to go get contraband goods from a nearby sailing ship.

Kiss and make up, or don’t kiss and break up! Just don’t put the action in the refrigerator. Other things one cannot ban her man from is - his beer.

Men drink, women over-think their men’s drinking.

Really, there is nothing to it. Beer has been relaxing men the world over since 1875. In fact, it relaxes some of them so much, they end up sleeping in a ditch. And that booze black out is so deeply relaxing it’s like the ditch is a luxury suite in the Sheraton Hotel.

Man cannot live on bread, or drink alone. He must have friends to do it with - but hopefully not horrible ones like that Kelvo who ran off with my buddy Binyavanga’s laptops and bottle of vintage whiskey.

Friends are who we turn to when our women have gone to the dogs, or we just want away from the nagging and yap-yapping.

Not that most men ever offer any really useful insights, especially on weekend nights. But ‘pea rafiki yangu kile kitu anakunywa’ are the best words ever since the Lord said ‘let there be light.’

We can fight for the remote with you, but many car owners of the male species will not allow you to ‘ban’ them from their vehicle because you want the car to go to ‘chama’ or ‘girls’ night out’.

If your man has a female name for his car, say ‘Christine’, know he adores it and do not resent the many loving hours he spends on Saturday morning to wash, clean, polish, wax and spruce it up.

If your name is Olivia, though, and he screams ‘Christine’ when you’re making love, then, Detroit, you might have a problem, with the bees under his bonnet.

Okay, so he is growing a bit of a ‘nyam chom’ belly, you can give him a year’s gym membership for X-Mas.

Just don’t ban him from the red meat and put him on a healthy diet of celery, asparagus and hyacinth. (Here I must confess that for a long time, I thought celery was Cerelac with vitamins, like herbs, and still have no idea what it is).

Then there are the old school chaps who love to get home and relax by tucking their heads inside the day’s newspaper. Do not threaten to turn that ‘gazeti’ to ‘jiko mekko’, unless he puts it down, and spends the evening having meaningful conversation with you.

I mean, what’s more meaningful? The info he’s getting from the paper about presidents Obama and Xi having agreed to reduce CFC in the atmosphere by half, by 2025 AD, or yet another sad discussion about why your boy Daniel, came last in class, again!, in the third term exams? (The answer being he’s daft, that’s why his nickname in school is ‘Daft Dan.’

And that’s because of your genes, because your own dad hates reading newspapers, or anything).

Lastly, do not ever ban your man from going to watch soccer on Saturday afternoons.

I believe such ban alone should be a ground for divorce - right along the A,B,C,D of Adultery, Bestiality, Cruelty and Desertion.