'I’m humiliated after hubby moved in with family friend after long-term affair'

Dear Coleen

I’m utterly devastated after my husband left two weeks ago to move in with a friend of his sister’s. Apparently, he and this woman have been having an affair for some time – through the lockdowns, too – and he’s finally decided he wants to leave me and be with her.

I’m shocked for several reasons, one being that I didn’t have a clue anything was going on with him and feel like such an idiot. Also, this woman he’s been sleeping with is a friend of sorts and knows lots of people in our social group. It’s totally humiliating.

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. The thing is, he’s been very upset – crying and remorseful every time he comes over. He says he’s sorry about what he’s done to me and our seven-year-old daughter, who is very upset and confused about why her daddy isn’t at home any more. But his mind is made up.

It feels so hard, especially at the moment because we’re restricted in terms of seeing friends and family for support. I’d love your advice – right now, I don’t even know who I am any more and feel like our nine-year relationship has been a total sham.

Coleen says

Firstly, don’t feel like an idiot. You’re not. People who cheat are pretty good at covering their tracks. Secondly, your entire marriage hasn’t been a sham – you have a lovely daughter and I’m sure you had some great times and have good memories to show for it.

However, I understand the sense of failure that comes with this – I felt the same when both my marriages ended. But now I look back and can appreciate that the good times were really good and we’ve got wonderful kids to show for our time together.

I don’t know why your husband decided to go off with someone else and why he didn’t feel able to talk to you when he started to feel differently about your marriage. He didn’t give you the opportunity to discuss it and that’s frustrating.

Of course he’s crying now, simply because he feels guilty, but focus on your own tears and getting the support you need from your family and social network.

Getting over this kind of ­heartbreak is hard – Rome wasn’t built in a day. You will rebuild something better, but you have to feel grief for something you’ve lost and it takes time.

Don’t be tempted to take your pain out on your daughter by making it hard for her to see her dad – she needs to know he still loves her and that he’ll still be a big part of her life. When you have a young child, you have to get up and keep going for them and it’s something to focus on. Good luck.