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Why am I irritable when talking to my long distance girlfriend?

Marriage Advice

I have been dating this girl for about a year and things have been going well. Ours is a long distance relationship but we are always in close communication. However, lately, I always get irritated after we talk on phone. I think I complain a lot which always leads us into arguments.

With where things are, I think we are on the verge of a break up. I don’t understand what is causing me all this irritation and I also don’t know how to deal with it. I love her and I want her in my life. Please advise me on how I can deal with this. {Ahmed}



I have been through the tribulations of long distance relationships. First of all, it is the most challenging relationship anyone can be in. It needs hope and trust that has to be felt between both of you. Long distance relationships are hope dependent and what kills them is lack of it. Give her the freedom she needs or let her go and either wait for her to come home. {Irene Kio}

When was the last time you chose ‘you’?

You cannot claim to be irritated by what you don't know. Nonetheless, you still have the room to interrogate yourself to see if she is really the one for you. It is normal to feel the way you do midway but the way out is personal honesty. {Tasma Saka}

You are fully aware of what is really happening. Very few long distance relationships work because when people get out of sight, they go out of mind. You ought to carry out an audit on your love as soon as you can. I think you are just insecure. It is this insecurity that is pushing your girlfriend to the wall. Even if you are insecure, do not let her know that you are. Otherwise, remain who you are for what goes round comes round. {Ouma Ragumo}

Long distance relationships are complicated and can cause problems between the two of you. This may have negative repercussion on your girlfriend but it can be solved. To me what's appropriate for you will not be applicable to your girlfriend. Remember you have to face unique challenges. Control your emotions. Do not over react when you are faced with problems. You need to prioritise your problems and arguments and deal with them separately or just take a break from each other and wait for an opportune time. {Onyango Outha}

Hilda Boke Mahare Says

Long distance relationships are increasingly becoming the norm and this is mainly because of the quest for education, advancement and employment. Unlike other relationships where there is actual physical presence and interaction, individuals in long distance relationships have to rely on technology to keep in touch.

Technology offers the comfort of communicating in real time and, for a moment, it feels okay. Unfortunately, this comfort is shortlived. Nothing can beat face-to-face communication. Because there’s more to communication than words. This leads to a build up of uncertainty and anxiety in the relationship. This could be the cause of your irritation and frustration.

Secondly, being apart means you go through different experiences separately thus each one of you is developing their own view, mindset and character. You are missing out on common experiences that could help to jell you together. Thirdly, familiarity breeds a liking and not contempt as we have always heard. We’re likely to like the people we’re familiar with, that is people we are frequently exposed to than people we rarely see.

Regardless of all the communications modes and gadgets, you need to shorten moments where you are away from each other. Increase your frequency of actual, face to face meetings and interaction.

Also, since you sound committed to this relationship, you need to find a lasting solution to the distance. If you’re apart because of education, this is likely to end soon as compared to work which will require you to make tough decisions like, one of you getting a transfer or getting another job altogether.

In other words the long distance should not be permanent nor linger for long. Meanwhile maximise on every possible avenue to grow your relationship.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of love and marriage.

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