Married for six years with little to show for in the bedroom

I have been married for six years but we seem to have a problem in our marriage. My husband is 38 and I am 33 but our sex life is almost dead. We don't seem to understand each other anymore. For instance, whenever I want sex he usually doesn't feel like it and vice versa although he forces himself on me anyway. We have sex like once a month and when we do, it is usually over as soon as it begins. Other couples within our age bracket seem to be doing well in the bedroom so I don't understand what is happening to us. Please advise me because I want to be sexually satisfied by him and I also want to satisfy all his needs. {Peris}

Your Take:

This is a dilemma affecting and killing many marriages. You have been with him for six years so finding a solution to this should not be a problem. Find a good time, approach him and talk to him openly and in all honesty. The problem cannot just disappear so both of you will have to find a solution.

If you don’t, you will find yourselves under unnecessary stress and anger and may even start looking for satisfaction elsewhere. Also remember that romance is very important. Save your marriage before it is too late.

{Fred Jausenge}

Where there is a will there is a way. You can always trace back to where things started going the opposite direction. You must learn to compromise for each other if you want satisfaction.

Compromise means that both parties must be ready to drop their hard stances and give in for the other person’s desire. Find out what he likes more and also let him know what floats your boat. Sit with him and see where you can begin the healing process.

{Ouma Ragumo}

You need to prepare your partner well for sex and likewise. This is not a complicated situation and if both of you are ready to deal with it, you can. Look into all the reasons why this is happening, maybe it’s your diet or something else, work on every aspect of your sexual lives.

Also remember that sex is a matter of respect and mutual understanding. Find out what he likes in bed and make him understand what you also want from him.

{Onyango Outha}

Now that you are conscious of this, it will be even more difficult because you get into sex already knowing that you will not enjoy it. Remember that the sex was once good and you can get it back. Try and remember the things you used to do in those early days and rekindle the flame.

{Tasma Charles}

Issues of sex are more emotional than physical, both of you have to sort out your emotional imbalances to have a better sex life. Also, learn to communicate more effectively with each other.

{Aseri Dick}

Counsellor’s Take:

This is something that all couples go through every once in a while. You see, sex is like a pie; fresh cherry pie looks, smells and tastes great but when you eat the same cherry pie for two years then it becomes boring, stale and almost intolerable.

Most couples that have this problem and come looking for a solution often think that the man has a health problem or has issues with his libido. You have been eating the same pie for six years and as a result you are both tired of it. In such cases, I advise those going through such a dilemma to get a new pie.

Now, don't get me wrong; I don't mean you get new people to have sex with, you both have to find new ways of eating that old pie. If you set out on this path, you will both discover new and exciting things about sex that could lead both of you to greater levels of sexual satisfaction.

To succeed in this you with have to agree (together) that there is a problem with your sex life, agree to collectively find a solution and actually change your perceptions about sex. This is often the most difficult task.

To find new ways, you have to unlearn everything you know about sex and start afresh. This may include getting learning materials on intimacy, learning and trying out new things and most importantly mind set about sex. For instance, for most couples sex begins when they realize they are stuck in a bed in darkness and behind a closed door.

 Ideally, sex can and should start early on even days before or early in the morning then actualize much later having built the required anticipation and desire. This could be by sending an erotic text message or e-mail, sending a surprise to his or her (mostly her) office, going out to dinner or dance among many other things.

With regard to perceptions about sex try different things and change location. Take it out of the bed or bedroom, go camping, visit some friends who have a guest wing (not an extra bedroom – you may traumatize their children) or a nice and comfortable hotel room.

Now, it is important for sex to last reasonably long and most importantly to understand the sexual desires and fantasies of your partner. The focus should be on pleasing each other not on the duration and ideally, you cannot please anyone if you don't take time to understand their wants and needs as well as what fascinates them. This would actually set both of you on the path to finding ultimate satisfaction in each other. {Taurus}