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Home / Marriage Advice

Has my wife discovered I've been unfaithful?

 Photo; Courtesy

Has my wife discovered I've been unfaithful?

This week's topic:

I am married with two children even though we have not had a formal wedding. In addition to this, I have a girlfriend I have been seeing for two years and she is now expectant with our first child. My wife is sensing that there is another woman in my life but I have not confirmed anything to her. She is now pushing for us to formalize our marriage and is not ready to accept anything other than a church wedding. I am afraid that this may not be very good for my girlfriend who I want to marry as a second wife. She is now threatening to tell everyone including my wife that she is expectant and has vowed to stop any efforts by me to formalize my marriage. Please advice on how I can handle this situation. My wife cannot stomach the thought of there being another wife, I am sure she will just leave me and go. I would not want this to happen.


Your Take:

Since you cannot decide which of the two women you want to stay with, you can as well forget about both. How do you expect to make people’s daughters pregnant and escape the responsibility! Tell your wife you have another woman and tell your girlfriend that you are formalizing your marriage to your wife. Also, people already know that you made your girlfriend pregnant thus you have lost the war. If you still want to remain married, choose between the two women and remain faithful to her.

{Tasma Charles}

Two wrongs do not make a right. Church wedding allows for only one wife. The best thing to do now is to marry the mother of your children and discuss how to either adopt or support the other child. You can also forget about the church wedding and go for a traditional marriage. Be careful as you may lose both women.

{Onyango Outha}

Marrying a second wife might not be right for now. Before you disclose anything to your wife weigh her thoughts to see if she may be willing to accommodate a co-wife. What if the-to-be second wife interrupt your wedding? The issue is a bit delicate so tread carefully not forgetting that the law recognizes your first marriage whether officially or informally married.

{Ouma Ragumo}

Samson, you need to sort out this mess that you created. This may be a path to self-destruction. I would, however, want to know what led you to having a relationship outside your marriage. Deal with this issue before it comes to haunt you.

{Evans Mori Odhiambo}

Every man would like to have two or three wives for choice. However, please talk to them and find out why they remain married to only one woman. Two women married to the same man are nothing but trouble. Ask around brother. {Alex Muli}

Counsellor's take

You have worked yourself in to a tight situation here. However, even before considering what any of those ladies will do and say it is important to have a solid opinion about this. What do you want out of this situation?

Do you want a monogamous or a polygamous family? Either of these will have enormous implications on this predicament. One, if you go the monogamous way then this will leave your girlfriend as a single mother, a glorified mistress or both. You can seal this fate by formalizing your marriage with your wife. A church or civil wedding will close any options of you marrying any other woman.

Keeping both women will also have its implications. Under a polygamous set-up, you will not be able to have a church wedding for any of them but you can have customary marriages and get certificates for both. This will require that you complete or carry out to a satisfactory level the customary practices involved while taking a woman as your wife.

However, parents from both sides have to provide their consent for this to happen. However, I assure you that polygamous marriages have never, are not and will never be easy. In addition to the heavy financial burden that comes with raising two families you will have to fight through many battles and really struggle to balance things out between both families.

In addition to this, you need to take control of the situation and stop living under threats from your girlfriend. This you can do by cutting out the leverage she is holding on you by threatening to tell everyone about the pregnancy and this you can do by offering to tell everyone about this starting with your wife. You may also let her know that a pregnancy is not enough cause to stop a wedding process. A child does not in any way tie both parties into a marriage they do not want to be a part of.

She believes she has a lot of leverage on you, but in essence, the only leverage she has is the fear she has instilled on you. Since this issue will someday come to light, take the bold step and tell your wife about the situation. Do all this with the assurance that your wife will not go anywhere. Few women will leave a man simply because another woman has come into the picture.

Coming clean in this situation will shed off a lot of baggage that you are carrying around. It will release the guilt as well as give you more space to reflect on this matter without worrying about too many things. You need this space and peace of mind to make the right decision.


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