My wife has ‘too much water’, should I ban her from eating cabbage?

Dear Uncle Ted,

I don’t know how to say this without being vulgar, but my wife has ‘too much water’. The whole thing ends up being so messy to the extent that sheets get soaked like one of us has wet the bed.

I hear this is caused by eating too much cabbage. Should I tell her she is too ‘watery’ and ban cabbages in my house?

Steve

Steve, you are a blessed man, only you don’t know it. Love making is not eating crunchy biscuits. It was designed to be a messy affair. There are men who wander in the desert for 40 days, walking from morning to sunset in the hot sun without a drop of water in sight.

Those bad-tempered men you see in the office are that way because they spend the whole night engaged in futile foreplay that never bears, uh, fruit.

So, what a man in your circumstances should do is turn on the 4-wheel drive and rev that turbo-charged engine to the depths of Lake Victoria with a smile on your face.

Psst: Never, under any circumstances, mention watery cabbages. Not even in your dreams. You will be murdered!