10 things Kenyans do when home alone

Forget being all over social media, Facebook and stuff like that where you broadcast your life to all and sundry. Many people like keeping their lives private. And there are times they prefer being alone. So, what do Kenyans do when home alone?

Well, here are 10 things people do in the confines of their four walls:

1. Releasing ‘bazooka’

By now, you must have heard that even doctors advise that healthy people engage in occasional releasing of that choking gas after a heavy lunch of beans, ugali and maziwa mala. There is no better place to do it than when alone and you have no shame to lift one part of your butt for that sound that can make a toddler scream thinking a bazooka has been fired.

2. Shaving Mau

This is common among those chicks you see strutting in town like they never indulge in activity number one above. ‘Shaving Mau forest’ or is it saving it, is best done with a mirror in the bathroom for what ends up resembling a baby’s bottom...smooth all the way!

3. Uchi wa mnyama

Have you ever knocked at somebody’s door for long only to peep through the keyhole to a naked person dancing alone? There is something comfortable about being in that primordial state akin to Adam and Eve, covering themselves in leaves, something liberating about human nudity when no one is peeping through a keyhole.

4. Phone sex

This is mostly among Millennials who call their partners for phone sex after taking pictures of their genitals and not necessarily for sending to anyone. Talking naughty during the call can’t be ruled out. Laughing silly too while stroking fudhi...

5. Watching ‘blues’ 

Kenyans pretend to be God-fearing, but when home alone on a sunny afternoon, they slot in that blue film they bought in a bar at night or in a traffic jam. This is one habit behind activity number four when not enticing a neighbor over the same.

6. Smelling spouse’s ngotha

For psychological reasons, some couples have this fetish for their spouses’ undies, medics have explained that this is not madness, but therapy when you miss him or her too much. But half the time, most people do it to look for evidence of infidelity... when alone. Some men in this category also try their wives’ bras and thongs, before doing number seven below.

7. Checking butt kwa kioo

Some lasses with waru-size butts check out whether they have grown two inches bigger. Those blessed with extended udongo shake them to see the effects.

8. Kuchungulia jirani

This mostly happens in Eastlands where majirani live in close proximity with paper-thin walls separating them. If you hear a funny noise and squeaking bed from neighbor’s house around 3am, why not find a hole and peep through.

9. Kukula kwa sufuria

This mostly applies to women, after serving wageni, they sneak back to the kitchen kusafisha vyombo only for junior to show up in the sitting room shouting, “Mummy anakulia sufuria!”

10. Teaching food adabu

For some reasons, we tend to be decent, eating small ugali, but when home alone, we even rarua wrapper ya maziwa mala to lick the content inside... besides chewing with that smacking sound from the lips like someone who is a product of poor upbringing.