The Local: With friends like these, who needs a wedding?

There are different kinds of friends, like the drinking friend for instance; the dude who does much of the swilling, and you, most of the paying.

The drinking friend with suicidal tendencies when the Gunners are thrashed in an EPL match can double up as a hobby friend, because watching soccer at night is one way of staggering home to the long-suffering wife as close to midnight as possible.

See, the resident nagger often reminds you - when your team loses - how you’re yet to clear her dowry with folks in Koibatek. You are thus ‘living in sin’ and rocking her Venus in lieu of the aforementioned payment might lead to siring of brats who will vuta mkia from daycare to baby class to kindergarten... all the way to approved school!

Papa English just discovered other kinds of friends during his planned wedding to Sister Lucy, the Blue Moon-swilling, veve-chewing, dreadlocked ka-chick from Muchatha.

Kang’the: He was the transport manager who found himself in a lodging with a Gideon’s Bible, but couldn’t figure how he got there. The stretch limo never arrived in Muchatha to pick Sister Lucy yet she had planned to shtua raia!

Owish: The best man went whisky drinking and the jalopy he had hired was spotted - on wedding day - with Owish slammed on the steering wheel, lights on along the Eastern bypass.

Diameter: Was to be the usher during the evening party, but was locked at Kasarani Police Station after resisting arrest for ‘drinking after hours.’

Kot-Kot: The food manager gassed to drop some lass in Thika, but instead, confused intersections on the super highway and found himself in Embu where he woke up two days later!

Nyambu: Living in Githurai has its hazards. Her African outfit for the occasion ili anuliwa na makauzi kwa kamba while still wet!

Miss Penny: The owner of Wa-Hannah’s heard the wedding was at the AG’s chambers and mistook it for Chambers Bar where she chilled, waiting until her head got heavy.

Waka-Knife: The lifetime butcher at Wa-Hannah’s boarded a matatu that was carjacked and his sole suit changed ownership. Mama mbogas wrapped his wiry frame with lesos to save him from walking home uchi wa mnyama... kama ng’ombe!

Karao Kiprop: Was the only one who turned up for the wedding of Papa English and Sister Lucy despite not being invited!