Confessions: My marriage is boring and I worry my husband will start looking around

Hi Chris,

I have been married for quite a while now, and objectively I have nothing to complain about my relationship.

Yet somehow, there is no joy either. Our lives together are pretty dull, and I worry that my husband might start looking around.

And there is a lot of negativity and endless silly bickering, most of it I must admit coming from me. I keep nagging my husband to be more exciting, or whatever, but nothing ever improves.

Is this how it is always going to be? Is it possible to turn my marriage into a relationship that is truly loving and joyful?

Truly Loving

Chris says,

Hi Truly Loving!

You are right that there is probably nothing really wrong with your relationship. But perhaps you are more focused on the minor irritations in your lives together, rather than what is good?

Things will start to improve if you avoid being negative about your husband, or giving him a hard time. If you are always finding fault, your criticisms simply get filtered out.

You are bound to feel unhappy about his behaviour from time to time. But see if you can find explanations for his behaviour that have a positive light on them.

Constantly tell him how much you love him. Be physically affectionate and willing to forgive. And never make hurtful remarks. Every one of them carves a chunk out of your relationship that never quite grows back.

Think about why you are reacting to your husband’s behaviour the way you do. Most of your worries are probably fears from your past and have nothing to do with him.

Make sure you only hang out with people who support your marriage and have happy relationships themselves.

Sharing your deepest worries, dreams and ambitions should be something you only do with your partner.

Assume that he always has good intentions towards you. And accept that some of the things you do not like about him will never change, no matter how much you try!

Really accepting him the way he is will bring out the best in him. Recognise that it is not your job to fix your husband, and it is not his job to fix you.

So do not blame him if you feel down. Ask for his help and understanding, but also accept that they are your feelings and that only you can fix them.

Above all, never let a day go by without showing him how much your relationship means to you. Practice simple everyday acts of kindness - a warm smile, or touch. And actually, say how much you appreciate being together.

Appreciation and thankfulness have a strange kind of magic. The more we express them, the more we are given to be thankful for!

All the best,

Chris