Man republic: Tribulations at a family ruracio

Last weekend was special. My absolutely gorgeous cousin Mercy Okova was literally snatched from under our noses by her husband-to-be. One Dennis Okello arrived in our home in great honour, or as the lakeside people say, he was “full of nyadhi.”

A few negotiations, some appeals for the dowry to be reviewed and, just like that, Dennis left with our family’s most treasured jewel. Sometimes I feel a bit jealous that our family gives away highly responsible women to go and ‘cook’ for other families but congratulations to both of them.

Now, in full awareness that Mercy’s friends would be in attendance on her big day, I had decided to be at my best because, who knows, I might get lucky and find a wife too. So I donned my Sunday best attire; a special purple blazer atop a navy blue shirt with matching trousers and shoes, and as senior cousin Eseli Simiyu commented, I was looking more like a choir master.

So I positioned myself right between three of Mercy’s friends and handlers; Joy, Faith and Pauline. I lied to them that I am the most educated member of my clan. I told them that even Mercy (a graduate of medicine and surgery) is nothing compared to my prowess in the field of education. By now, Joy was staring at me with her mouth wide open. I was sure if I made a marriage proposal there and then, my suit would be accepted without further delay.

And I didn’t stop there, with the borrowed car keys of a big Nissan patrol belonging to Dr Eseli Simiyu, I pointed the car out to my two ladies and told them that was only one of the three cars I owned and I was expecting one to be shipped in from Dubai. I could see the jealous glances from Faith and Pauline as to how they had lost a wonderful guy to Joy.

Then romantic disaster struck! It had completely slipped my mind that, in the logistical preparation for this function, I had been put in charge of serving meals. So when the speeches were done, the master of ceremonies loudly called out my name and informed all guests that I was the one taking over because it was now time for meals.

He went on to give my full profile, saying I was a renowned chef in the whole village since no event would go by if I wasn’t in charge of the food. As if that wasn’t enough, he politely asked me to move Dr Eseli’s Nissan patrol car from where I had parked it because it was blocking other vehicles.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. I could feel Joy’s eyes heavily on me. Faith and Pauline were quietly giggling away. I didn’t even eat that day, and, of course, I couldn’t even get Joy’s phone number.

I mean, which lady would seriously want a man whose sole responsibility is cooking in all family functions? And to the master of ceremonies of that day, you ruined my love life.

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