I am 33 and have been engaged for about five years. The relationship ended early this year when we got to a point we were no longer in love and had almost lost all respect for each other. About four months ago, I met another man who I really liked and I am now 6 weeks pregnant. Even though we broke up with my ex, we are still intimate but I am certain the pregnancy is not his. Lately, he has been pushing for us to get back together and is even proposing to start making arrangements to pay dowry for me. However, I really like the other guy because he is mature and is taking this relationship seriously. He is also more loving and generous. Neither of them knows about the pregnancy. I don’t know what to do now please advise me.
What readers say:
Catherine, your explanation is very clear and you have stated the reasons the other guy swept you off your feet. So just forget about your former boyfriend because as you said, you had lost love for each other. Love is never forced anyway. Handle this pregnancy tactfully because it will make or break your future with either of these guys.
Lover represents a total devotion of one person – heart, soul and body – to another, which implies that you can never love a second person without taking something away from the first. You are already pregnant for the second man so please don’t waste your former boyfriend’s time. If you feel you are not compatible, please say so in an open minded way and find a life. But that seems not to be the case here, you are the pot calling the kettle black.
You were in a relationship with a man for five years and when things went wrong, you immediately got involved with another man and now you are pregnant. To me, you now want to behave like a hyena smelling meat at a crossroad and wanting to go both ways. Remember that the hyena lost everything. You are a mature adult and can therefore make decisions for yourself. If you are a cock sure that the child in your womb belongs to the second man, go ahead and marry or arrange to live with him for the sake of your child. So be responsible and act responsibly.
The dangers you are exposing yourself to are too many. Jilted men, just like women, are dangerous. You must stop what you are doing and reflect and interrogate yourself on what your needs and aspirations are before it is too late. If I were you, I would give all to a ‘husband’ and ‘father’ not fun seekers.
Falling out of love and loss of respect for one other is a final blow on any relationship. Unless you are willing and are deliberate on revamping and reinventing yourselves, there is nothing much you can do to bring this relationship back on track. I would highly encourage you to move on as you have indicated.
The five years with your ex are not easy to erase. Although they say familiarity breeds contempt, on the other side, it comes with comfort. This is what is making it hard for you to let go of the former relationship. Otherwise there is really no guarantee that your ex has changed.
There is always a reason behind our actions. That is to say he had reasons he never took you or the relationship seriously all this while. As a matter of fact most men can tell, in very short time, if they are going to make a commitment and take the relationship to the next level or not. In other words he all along knew that there would be no commitment with you. So do not easily fall for the change of tune.
You were crying about not being taken seriously, now you have someone who does. I suggest you make up your mind quickly, especially with a child in the picture. Then stop being intimate with both men because it is adding to your confusion. Cut off the attachment with your ex and focus on growing this relationship. Though it sounds too soon for you to have moved on, but with commitment you can make it work.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology
Catherine, you are at a sensitive point in your life and you ought to be very careful with your next choice of action. First, you broke up with a long time fiancé and got into another relationship immediately. Even after the breakup and new relationship, you still maintained intimate relations with your former fiancé. Now you are expectant and both parties are still interested in you and this is why it becomes a delicate issue.
In the first instance, I have some reservations about your new lover’s interest and commitment to a long-term relationship. I appreciate your sentiments about him and about his maturity and how serious he seems to be taking the relationship but that is how all men are at the beginning of any relationship. He is only taking advantage of your situation and more so that you are on rebound. A woman on rebound is usually an easy and favourite target for men as they are generally very easy and especially so with sex. I guarantee that if you were to tell him about the pregnancy, he would take cover, change his telephone number or put you on permanent black list.
A bird in hand is worth more than two in the bush, they say, so I encourage you to try and mend relations with the devil you know much better as opposed to trying and working out things with the angel you hardly know. Most certainly, there is the issue of paternity but I believe that, at 33, you have learned several things about life. One of the most critical of life’s lessons is the fact that, at any one time, we ought to handle sensitive information carefully to ensure that people only access information that is good and relevant to them. If your former is a serious as he claims to be about getting things back on track, the two of you can work together and get it right this time.
You may choose to explore the new relationship should the old one totally fail but this should be a last option. Do not burn bridges on a long-term relationship to pursue an exciting and seemingly promising one.
Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor
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