Confessions: His pregnant girlfriend swears she will raid our wedding

We have dated for three years, our wedding plans are at an advanced stage and we are set to tie the knot in May. However, things are thick as it has emerged that my fiancé impregnated another woman about three months ago, during what he calls a two-month affair. She is now swearing that the wedding is not going to take place. He is generally the kind of guy who takes his responsibilities seriously and he seems to be bowing to her threats. I am now too stressed to think and worried about the possible outcome of this situation. Does she have the legal backing to stop our wedding just because she is pregnant for my fiancé? I need your advice and more so on how to keep my wedding on track. Please help me.

{Peris}

What the readers say:

Peris, how do you describe him as a man who takes his responsibilities seriously yet he went ahead and had unprotected sex with another woman? Whether you go on and marry this man or not, this woman and her child will always be a major part of his life. Can you live with this? If he cheats on you now when he is supposed to be wooing you at his best behaviour, how will he respect you and the marriage later? Open your eyes and make a decision that you can live with.

{Mary Esther}

A wedding does not determine the success of a marriage but only exerts more pressure on a marriage given that expectations are proportional to the costs involved. Confirm from your man if he is ready to take you in as his wife and pursue other options of formalising your marriage.

{Tasma Saka}

Anyone who is opposed to your marriage can make attempts to delay the process through the church or through legal means. If you feel your partner’s ex may have ill intentions of ruining your wedding plans then I recommend you consult with your church and also find out from a lawyer what legal grounds she may have. Above all, your partner knows his ex best and he should be firmly by your side to ensure a smooth process in the run-up to the wedding.

{Fred Jausenge}

Sometimes things just seem out of the way and especially when our hopes are high. This woman is surely up to ruining your hard work and she will if you are not careful. This other woman is ready to spoil everything but take time to find out what exactly is in your fiance’s mind. He may be on her side or of the same mindset as her so you may want to find out his position on this and then decide on your cause of action.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

Simon says

These are the facts of the case; one, they had a two-month affair; two, she is pregnant with his child, three, she is threatening to stop the wedding and four, he takes his responsibilities very seriously. These are all critical facts of the matter because they collectively or individually influence the outcome of this situation. He has indeed demonstrated his willingness and commitment to marry you. Just like anybody else, he was is allowed to make mistakes so we should not go out and harshly condemn him. He should, however, appreciate the importance of faithfulness in a relationship.

The fact of the matter is that she has no legal basis whatsoever to stop your wedding. By law, a man is not under any obligation to marry a woman just because he has fathered a child or children with her. A wedding or formalisation of the relationship may only be objected to subject to various terms provided for in the Marriage Act, 2014. These include subsistence of another marriage (civil or religious that does not permit polygamy), if the parties are likely to enter into a prohibited marriage in accordance to Section 10 and 11 of the Marriage Act, 2014.

The pregnancy is a substantive aspect in this situation and it is important that he makes the necessary arrangements to provide for the child in due course. In this respect, his obligation is limited to part maintenance of the child’s needs. Being a man who takes his responsibilities seriously, he should not run away from this but work out an amicable arrangement with her.

That said, I encourage you to carry on with your plans and not to lose hope as this is just but a stumbling block. It will be of great importance, however, to confirm his true and actual thoughts and position about your upcoming wedding and marriage. If he reaffirms his commitment then deal with the issue of the short term affair he had with her and find a way of settling it. The easiest way to deal with this is through forgiveness. He will need legal counsel to navigate through this especially if she makes good of her threat.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

Hilda says

One can only imagine your sense of loss after investing in a relationship all this while, hoping it will beautifully culminate into marriage but an error by your fiancé is likely to jeopardise all this.

There is more to this, it is more than the wedding being delayed and the expectant girl. This is about your fiancé betraying you. It is possible to manipulate the whole situation and push through with the wedding but the broken trust will still catch up with you in marriage.

Both of you need to address this act of unfaithfulness. If it happened now, it is likely to happen again and again in marriage. I do not think you are ready for this. Excusing infidelity would be laying the standards for your relationship too low. Where is the love for yourself? When we value and love ourselves, we put standards that we and the people we are relating with, should not go below. This is not pride but rather acknowledging our value.

That the man is taking his responsibilities seriously is good, because the child’s interests need to be taken care of. That may not affect your wedding ceremony unless he is showing signs of wanting to settle down with the other girl in the name of taking responsibility. If that is the case, wake up and smell the coffee. There was no error anywhere. This is all deliberate and he wants to be with that girl. So quit defending him. The earlier you get the message, the better and the less dramatic your actions are the wiser of you.

The law does not dictate on who to marry but it can compel your fiancé to take care of the baby. Let him be free to decide.  

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology