Eve, wakati nafanya mapenzi nachukua muda kama sijamwaga. Pia, natoa jasho jingi, so help me. (Dear Eve, when I have sex I take too long to climax. In addition, I sweat a lot. Please help me.)
Thank you for writing to me about your concerns. I will answer you in English and hope that you understand me all the same.
As you have described your problem, it sounds like delayed ejaculation, a situation in which it can take a man a long time to reach sexual climax and produce sperm (which is what ejaculation is). When we think about delayed ejaculation, a good average is having sex for over 30-45 minutes beyond what feels good for you and your partner.
In other words, the length of time you’re having sex is not really the issue so much as it is the feeling that if you wanted to, you couldn’t reach your climax without struggling for it. Here are five reasons why a man may experience delayed ejaculation.
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If a man is in poor health, he may struggle to ‘finish’ without a struggle. Diseases such as high blood pressure, thyroid problems, heart conditions, low testosterone levels, nerve damage e.g. from diabetes, chronic illnesses like cancer, chronic pain, depression and/or other mental health illness are just a few of the conditions that can affect a man’s sexual performance to the point of delaying ejaculation.
If you think you could be having an illness that is contributing to your delayed ejaculation, please do see a doctor sooner rather than later. Even though I suspect your ‘sweating too much’ during sex is as a result of fatigue, a doctor will be able to assess it and give your appropriate feedback.
Sometimes medications can have a direct negative impact on our sexual performance e.g. some of those that treat depression (SSRI’s) are actually know to get in the way of sexual desire and performance. In addition, if a man has a chronic condition requiring constant medication, over time it can begin to affect him. Does this mean that we should stop or avoid taking medication for the sake of better sex? No, not really, especially because many of them may impact our general lives more positively.
It does mean letting your doctor know the truth so they can make alternative recommendations. Even when there may not be alternatives treatment interventions, there are always ways to continue to have an enjoyable sex life despite any challenges e.g. the intervention of a qualified sex therapist who can help you work around the problem.
Some people enjoy the recreational use of some drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. People even joke about having ‘drunk sex’ or ‘sex while high’, but it is important to note that these substances have the possibility of altering your sexual performance and delaying ejaculation.
Drugs and/or alcohol work by inhibiting blood flow to all the right places because you’re ‘out of it’, while tobacco (cigarettes, shisha/hookah) constrict your blood vessels, which means that the biological sensations that are necessary for arousal up to ejaculation are dulled.
It makes sense then your penis, mind and other pleasure centers would require more time, more energy and more effort just to reach climax and ejaculate. Sex is already a vigorous and tiring - albeit fun - exercise but with these substances, it is mostly an exhausting and draining affair.
Many men who struggle with delayed ejaculation also report having negative attitudes and beliefs about sex e.g. overly religious backgrounds that equate sex to sin. Anxiety about sexual prowess and performance can also contribute to a man’s inability or struggle to climax and ejaculate.
If there is anxiety in a man’s relationship or other areas of his life, his thoughts about that situation are likely to remove the joy sex, turning his sexual performance into a long, joyless and ultimately unsatisfactory experience. If your thoughts are interfering with your sexual performance and turning it into a struggle, I say this to you: guard your mind because your mind is your biggest and best sex organ.
Destructive sexual behaviour
Engaging in sexual behavior that cannot be replicated in bed can interfere with a man’s pleasure during intercourse thus delaying his climax and ejaculation. If, for example, you are masturbating too hard in a manner that cannot be replicated by the grip of vaginal muscles is likely to cause you problems. I’ve said before in this column that masturbation in and of itself is not the problem; the misuse of it is the problem.
Here’s a great example of how a man can turn a good thing into a sexually destructive thing! Masturbation is not mandatory; you don’t have to masturbate if you don’t want to. If you choose to masturbate, however, do it in a way that does not interfere with normal sexual intercourse for you and your partner. A good place to begin is to abstain for a while. All sexual bells and whistles can be added later, responsibly.
I hope that you have gained some insight into what could be causing or contributing to your delayed ejaculation, and I hope that you use that insight to help you have a more enjoyable sex life, for your preferred duration.
Maggie Gitu holds an MA in Marriage & Family Therapy. She practices as a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist and can be reached at [email protected] or via her Facebook page: Maggie Gitu