Recently, there has been a lot of talk and polls and blah about how men find it irritating when women apply makeup on public transport. I don’t know why, perhaps the poor delicate little princes will go into anaphylactic shock if they inhale so much as a rogue bronzer particle. Or perhaps they just need to be quiet for once.
Hang on, as you can imagine, I’m having to take a lot of deep breaths.
Just so we are clear, the gender who regularly come out of public toilets still doing up their trouser zips find it too intimate that we put stuff on our eyelashes – the very eyelashes that are on full and constant display in our day-to-day lives – on the train.
Hang on, my head is spinning a bit from too many deep breaths, let me just gather my thoughts. I need to word this delicately. I need to balance my argument, and be articulate, fair-minded.
Why don’t they stick this double-ended thickening mascara wand where the sun don’t shine?
There, I think I’ve made my point. No? You wish me to clarify? OK, let me start with this. Short of while she’s performing brain surgery, a woman has the right to put makeup on wheresoever she may please. Also, if a woman wants to multi-task after a hectic morning and use dead time on a bus or train to finish her beautifying regime, that is her business.
The only thing that is not socially acceptable is if she aggressively wags her lip gloss at passers-by while telling them to cheer up love, you’d look prettier if you smiled and demanding they pucker up (imagine someone shouting that at you in public – silly me, that would never happen). Or she takes up an extra seat with her makeup bag. Other than that, it’s literally not the business of any other human being on Earth.
But I think we know what this is really about. They don’t want to SEE us putting makeup on! We must get up a whole 20 minutes earlier and not defile their precious man eyes with this trickery! We shouldn’t even be applying makeup, we should be organically, effortlessly beautiful and not witchcraft them into believing we have naturally turquoise eyelids.
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