I fell in love with my high school teacher, got his baby when I was still in school. He was taken to court but my parents dropped the case and had somehow given him a chance to marry me since we were in love. However, since the case was dropped he has shown no interest in us, he stopped calling me and has never requested to meet his baby. I still love him and it is my wish for us to settle down together but if this doesn’t happen I would want him to provide me with child support. Please advise me...
What the readers say:
Sally, that man should be behind bars as we speak. The law prohibits sexual relations with underage girls or boys. He used his position as your teacher to sexually molest you. He may have been doing this for many years and to many other girls who kept quiet just as you did so you should take the bold step of taking action against him and others will emerge and join you in the fight. He is a sex pest and needs to be behind bars.
Your parents let you down when they dropped the case and he should have been made to face the consequences of his actions. That man only wanted to use and dump you and he did just that. He only sweet talked your parents so they could drop the case for him to keep his job. Anyway, you need to fight for your future and for the rights of the child. You are just one amongst many girls who are suffering because of this man and stop singing about love for a man who does not love you. Think about your child’s rights and his future.
There is a way out and he can and should take care of his child. Both of you have a responsibility to take care of the child. He does not have to be there physically but he can support you in other ways. Find time and space and discus this out with him and you will soon agree on the modalities towards the child’s welfare.
Sally, you did not tell us how young you are now and if you actually completed your high school. While many questions will remain without answers, things are just as they are. The man impregnated you, tricked your parents into dropping the case against him and then turned his back on you. Moving forward, you need to start planning a life without him and accept that he is not interested in playing any part in your lives. This will not only get you to cut down on your expectations from him thus reducing your frustrations and disappointments but it will also help you plan for your own future as well as that of your child. Planning for your future means carrying on with school from where you left. If you did not complete your secondary education, go back and finish. If you completed your high school, talk to your parents to get you a college or polytechnic where you can develop some skills that can help you through your life. At present you need to equip yourself with something that can help you take care of yourself and your child and that can only be skills. Pick up something you like doing e.g. tailoring, cooking, engineering anything that you can build your skills around and soon you will be standing on your own two feet and taking care of that child.
About that clown, he may have gotten away with this but it should not be the end of his troubles. That man should not be in class teaching other young girls. You need to report what he did to you to the appointing body e.g. TSC or to ensure that he is interdicted and that he faces charges for what he did. You don’t even have to follow up the case yourself, once you report through the right channels, the respective offices will take over and pursue the matter but you have to be present to give evidence. You will also need to engage the child services to pursue him to provide child support. These two causes of action will get him to think and take responsibility for his actions and be a lesson to other teachers who are in the habit of sexually molesting the young and vulnerable girls under their care. Lastly, learn from your mistakes and take good care of yourself. Keep your focus and get a foundation for your life and the other things will easily fall into place.
Simon is a relationships counsellor
Teacher-student intimate relationship is unprofessional and unethical but since your parents withdrew the case the course of the law ended there.
Secondly, there is no law binding anyone to marry the father or mother of their child. So this is entirely upon both of you to agree. If one of you does not, then no marriage can happen. Plainly put, if he does not change his attitude, you should brace up to raise your child. The furthest you can pursue by law is to file for child support. At the point in your life marriage is not what you need. It is neither a priority.
Crying and attracting sympathy will not help you at this point. Do not even try to compel this man to marry you. We do not know how far you had gone with your education, but this is the time to pick from where you stopped. Concentrate your energies on bettering and empowering yourself. Thank God you have your parents. Discuss with them and get to know what level of support they are able to offer. Most importantly, the resolve to spring back should come from you.
You have your whole life ahead of you, rise and take up the challenge. All is not lost. Go back to school, score those marks and get those grades. Rekindle the dreams you have had before. Let this setback be a motivator to work harder.
See yourself beyond this mistake. It is not easy growing up, we all find ourselves having taken a wrong turn at one point or another. The difference is some people remain there while others take it as a lesson, learn from it and move on.
I wish you all the best.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationships.
The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Evewoman.co.ke