Of Killjoy radio presenters who just won't let the music play

I'm listening to an FM radio and a song starts to play. It's the introductory instrumentation of the song and I have closed my eyes in concentration and strong emotion to appreciate the artiste and the song.

Then the presenter, or is it the DJ, turns down the volume of the song and starts speaking. They tell me the artiste's name, their background, their age, the colour of their eyes, and why they wrote that song.

I can hear the first verse of the song already playing in the background. I nod in agreement to what the presenter is saying.

"Okay, presenter, you can now let the song play."

Then they stop speaking and turn up the volume. The song is now halfway through the first verse, but it's okay because I don't even know the lyrics well. I start nodding to the song, absorbing it. I tap my feet in rhythm to the beat.

I snap my fingers to the beat. I start softly swaying my body to the promise of the rest of the song. God, I love this song. Then, unexpectedly, the presenter turns down the volume again and starts speaking again.

"Yes, yes, I would totally love to hear everything about the traffic you braved this morning to get to the studio but can you, please, just let the song play first?"

But the presenter is busy giving a phone number through which they can be reached, because they are interested in knowing your thoughts about a certain topic. Then they turn up the volume just in time for me to catch the last line of the first verse.

The chorus is fast approaching, so I prepare to belt my emotions out. I prepare to let it all out as the song washes over my soul. I clear my throat and hold an imaginary microphone.

I can see myself on a stage with flashing lights and a crowd of fans screaming my name, and holding placards full of nothing but praises for me and my music. But then, just as the chorus kicks in, the evil presenter turns down the volume again and starts singing the chorus.

"Wait. Wait. Way-way-way-wait. What the hell?"

The presenter is singing. I can barely hear the song over their voice. I am confused. I was not emotionally and psychologically prepared for this kind of interference.

Then they stop singing and turn up the volume to let me hear one or two words of the chorus, before turning down the volume again to continue singing the chorus. The presenter has no talent for singing, but that minor setback does not stop them.

"What the hell? Why are you singing on behalf of the artiste? Can't you just let the damn song play, you monster?"

Then the presenter laughs a little, amused by themselves and their vocal skills as they turn up the volume once again when verse two is just starting. I hope that the presenter will not speak again. I offer living sacrifices and burnt offerings to my forefathers.

I pray and fast and make promises to God. I repent my sins and even get baptised. I offer my child to God: For Wanja so loved the song, that she gave her only begotten son, so that whomever that presenter is, can shut up for just 3 minutes, 3 very few minutes, so that she can enjoy the song.

I just want to hear the song, uninterrupted. I just want to enjoy the music. But my enemies are determined to finish me because two or three words into verse two, the presenter turns down the volume and starts speaking again.

I am exasperated.

"Oh, Jesus Christ!" I sigh in annoyance. "I know what time it is, man. I know what date and year it is as well, and I know all your frequencies around the country. Can you now let the damn song play, for crying out loud?!"

Then the presenter turns up the volume and the song is already halfway through verse two. One and a half lines later, they start talking again.

I scream in immense frustration.

"Nooo! This is my favourite part of the song! Let it play, dammit!"

But the presenter keeps on yammering about a cold Coca Cola or some lottery numbers or a plot of land for sale or a guest who'll be visiting the studio while my entire world is violently falling apart, thanks to them.

"Why are you doing this to a sweet, kind, and loving person? What did I ever do to you to deserve this? Why do bad things happen to good people?"

Then the presenter shuts up and lets the first few words of the chorus play before turning down the volume and starts singing the chorus. AGAIN.

And then that's it. The wicked presenter won't even let the song end. You won't even get a whiff of verse three. They will sing the chorus for you and then laugh at how amazing it is to sing a song instead of just letting the listener listen to it. Then they'll continue with their show as if they have not destroyed my life and everything I stand for.

I'm looking at you, Radio Citizen and Radio Maisha.

I'm looking at you with a pick-axe in my hand and an incredible thirst for revenge.