Sorry, we won't talk to your girlfriend on your behalf

There’s this classmate friend of mine - let’s call him Joe - who’s been in a 4 year relationship with this Procurement mami - let’s call her Lucy - who has killer legs and a cute smile and, surprisingly, a really ugly shoe collection.

Now, Joe loves Lucy (and her ugly shoes) to bits. Brother talks about her a whole lot. We could be downing cheap liquor at the hostels and he’ll be chatting with her. Sometimes all I want to do is shoot him right between the teeth. But if I do that then I’m afraid there’ll be nobody left to love Lucy and her ugly shoes, so I let it go. Just for Lucy and the ugly shoes. Mostly for the ugly shoes.

So this past weekend, Lucy goes on a road trip with a few friends from her class - including some male ones - without telling Joe and that doesn’t go down well with him. She says it was an abrupt trip and that they’re just friends but Joe is having none of it. Says she thinks she’s bored with the relationship and she could be acting out.

So, the other day, we’re in the middle of a Communication Skills class and the lecturer is rambling on and on about why it is important to “maintain eye contact with the speaker” and all I want to do is stab myself in the throat, when Joe taps me on the shoulder and says: “Do you think you can talk to Lucy for me? She kind of likes you.” And because all I hear is “she kind of likes you”, I say “sure” without giving it much thought. And now that I think about it, it pisses me off because I can’t stomach the idea of looking at those ugly shoes for more than ten seconds.

Guys, you go to campus and meet a really nice lady and you ask her out and she agrees and you two fall in ‘love’ and move in together (while still in campus) and, all of a sudden, your conversations range from how many kids you want and whether you should go for a private wedding at the AG’s Chambers or a beach wedding.

And then one day bits hit the fan in the relationship and you say: “You know what, I’ll ask my single friend to talk to her for me.” May thunder strike the corners of your nose.

I want to speak on behalf of all of us single guys in campus; we don’t want any part in your drama. We’re not single because we can’t get a girl, we’re single because we choose to be single. We’re single because we chose a life without the drama you’re trying to drag us into. We’re single because we can’t stand ugly shoes.

Deal with your relationships alone. Don’t come crying at our feet when your relationship hits a rock. No, we won’t talk to your girlfriend for you. Or her ugly shoes. I’m sorry.