The drama you'll cause when you die a rich man

One thing that shocked me following the death of Nyeri Governor Nderitu Gachagua in February is that, that very day he died, The Nairobian reported, his children sent letters with new bank accounts to his tenants, directing them to henceforth deposit rent there.

Let’s face it, folks, when you die, especially as a rich man, there will be all sorts of people shedding crocodile tears. With feigned faces of sadness, some will praise you, lying through their teeth. “We have lost a great man blah blah blah”. “He has left big shoes to fill yada yada,” they will yap to no end.

On social media, your fake friends will eulogise: “I can’t believe he has left us. Gone too soon”, “you were my best friend, how will life be without you”, “Shetani ashindwe” and all kinds of lies. I have seen this sort of rubbish enough times, especially when gangsters, rapist and thieves die. Some will immediately apply for your job after reading your obituary in the newspapers, requesting to replace you.

Some pretentious types will push the joke further and even use your photos as their profile picture. But their lies always catches up with them weeks later after they realise the picture of a celebrity — whom they’ve never met by the way — is way better as a profile pic than your ugly face. And completely forget about you.

The biggest jokers will send you a friend request, just because they can’t understand why every other person is talking about you and sharing your profile picture with nice messages such as “what a handsome man, you didn’t have to die”. This reminds me of a stranger who went viral the other day after she died, just because she was devastatingly beautiful! Talk of Team Mafisi!

Social media users who probably didn’t like you in the first place will desperately try to outdo each other in breaking the news of your death. During your funeral, your pals from Nairobi will be there, complete with T-shirts emblazoned with your image. Some in goggles, making them look like gangsters.

Women, on the other hand will be there, desperately trying to outdo each other with the latest fashion and hairstyles. Those who have never cared to pose with you in a photo will be falling over one another, trying to take selfies with your corpse before posting them online with shenzi hashtags such as #FuneralTings!

The only people who will be mourning for real are your close family members — especially your parents who will be wondering why you died and not them. They will be wondering where to get your replacement. The rest, including some distant relatives, especially those you hardly sent cash to, will only be there to be counted.

It’s even worse if you’re a rich man, your kids and wives will start fighting over your estate almost immediately. They will run all over the place like headless chicken, bothering banks for this or that cash or property; or nagging your employer for your last salary and pension. Your mpango wa kando, who only cares about you when they are broke, will miss your funeral because they have no clue you died. In fact, assuming you pass on at the beginning of the month, they will only discover you are dead at the end of the month, when they will be looking for you to pay their rent or do their shopping.