Some men in our lives are hell-sent

I always say these men will make us do things we have never imagined we would. Like I always tell you, my dating life has been one hell of a roller coaster! What’s a roller coaster anyway? You know some of these words we just pick from movies and start using them as if we are entitled.

Reminds me of the time my man dropped me at friend’s house where she was throwing an overnight birthday party and had invited lots of other friends. My man later texted me late in the night to ask how it was going down, I texted back, “We are having a blast.”

The next thing I remember was receiving calls from the fire department asking me my exact location and if there were any causalities in the blast. I kept answering the calls and saying. “Sorry wrong number” but the caller kept calling asking me to stay on the line, stop panicking, breath in and out and mention my exact location.

I was about to hang up again when he referred to me using my name and asked where I was. Blankly, I said “Niko kwa bedroom ya upstairs,” thinking it was a mutual friend who had arrived in the party as well and was looking for me to catch up. The caller asked me to rush out screaming ‘Fire! Fire!’ in order to alert the rest.

You should have seen me rushing down the stairs shouting “Fire! Fire!” and people joined in the rush outside stumbling and falling over each other amid the noise from the stereo. All because I used the word ‘blast’ in an innocent text to my man who mistook it for a bomb blast and called the fire station giving them my number and claiming there was fire where I was! In short, all I am just trying is to warn you that the word ‘roller coaster’ used above has nothing to do with that scary thing we see in parks in movies; are we together?

Now, let’s go back to our original story. I was telling you about these men who make us do things we have never imagined ourselves doing just to please them. You see when I was still new in this dating world, I was naïve and could do anything to please whoever told me they loved me.

One time, this man took me out for dinner at an expensive restaurant in town which had unique names in the menu such that if you were as green as I was, you could end up ordering marabou stork feathers thinking you had asked for deep fried tilapia fillet!

I ordered something I could not even pronounce hoping it was fries; actually I did not even try to pronounce it, all I did was point at it on the menu saying, “Nataka hii na double espresso,” thinking double espresso meant something so sweet but in a larger portion thus the word ‘double’.

Espresso to me sounded like one of the sweetest smoothies on planet earth with some Vanilla ice-cream toppings. Shock on me when my order arrived 15 minutes later! I cursed whichever evil spirit had led me to order Habanero Hellfire. I took the first scoop and felt like my body had indeed been immersed in ‘hellfire’ as the name suggested! My man looked at me and I looked back at him forcing a smile still with my scoop in my mouth and tears welling in my eyes. I looked around for water to wash it down my throat but there was none on the table.

The only drinkable thing on the table was the double espresso I had ordered for which I quickly grabbed and sipped to drain the Habanero down my throat. My people, whoever said lightening doesn’t strike twice at the same place has never had Habanero Hellfire in their mouth followed by double espresso! I looked up and asked God where exactly I had gone wrong in accepting to go for dinner with this man. Why on this planet was I experiencing a serious cold war in my mouth? I wanted to spit everything out but I could not, at least not in that environment.

At the same time I wanted to rush to the ladies and spit it there but as fate would have it, I did not know where the bathroom was. So I sat there with tears in my eyes and Habanero coupled with espresso in my mouth and swallowed what Satan himself had brought to the table, just to please my date!

God, please deliver me from such men, Amen!