I'm unable to call it quits even though he is cheating - Evewoman
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I'm unable to call it quits even though he is cheating

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The topic:

I am in a very rather awkward situation. I have been in a relationship for three years and I really love my fiancé. Everything else has been going on well apart from the fact that he once had a relationship with a woman from his office. She is now four months pregnant and the three of us work on the same floor but with different companies. I see her everyday and just can't stand this anymore. I don't know what to do please advice...

{Salome}

 

Boke says:

Salome dear, would transferring the woman to another office or another town altogether lessen your pain? It probably would.

You do not need coping skills neither do you need help on how to deal with your feelings towards the other woman.

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You're missing out on the real issue. The reality is: your fiancé is unfaithful. His relationship with the other woman started while you were together. This is what you need to deal with. It is your fiancé who is accountable to you and owes you an explanation. Chances are that she was told that you're out of the picture.

Are you able to put up with an unfaithful partner? That is, if you decide to get married to him. There are core values in relationships that we cannot afford to compromise. I would call them non-negotiables. Every relationship needs a list of non-negotiables, where lines are drawn and you agree that you cannot go below this. Faithfulness should rank high on that list.

Some of the things we excuse while in courtship haunt us later in life. Then we begin to cry and tell our story for pity. You people are still courting and you have options. You can choose to ignore this incidence but be ready to experience more of this. The other alternative is knowing that in courtship, you can easily opt out. Make a decision.

 

What the readers say:

Salome, I would want to understand what went wrong to the point that he started seeing this other woman. She is now bound to him by virtue of being his "baby mama". Have you put in any effort in finding out whether they agreed on having this baby? Even if he stays with you, you may need to accept that she will forever be within his radius and learn to deal with it. I don't envy you situation at all, may be its time you started looking for a job somewhere else.

{Ouma Ragumo}

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Your husband to be has impregnated a work mate just under your nose. This man is not sincere and trustworthy and even if he's still with you, you may need to accept the reality of having a co-wife. His intentions are very clear. May be he needed a child with her to justify bringing her into his life. There are so many sincere men out there, you don't need to be entangled in such a situation but the choice is yours.

{Onyango Outha}

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Salome, you know the man better and you know whether it was by design or default that he got the child with this woman. There are two options here: accept you aren't the one and move on, or stay and be ready to accept her as part of this family.

{Tasma Saka}

 

Simon says:

Salome, that is indeed an awkward situation to be in and I would not want to assume that this is easy. People make mistakes in relationships but when those mistakes lead to conception, the situation becomes complicated. Then there is the other issue you are having to deal with which is seeing her almost daily. It would be relatively easier if this happened and the lady was based somewhere else.

Moving forward, I encourage you to get his candid thoughts about this situation. He probably holds a lot of power here and his thoughts and intentions actually form the basis on which to manage this situation. First, he ought to acknowledge that this is a problem for everyone and that he is required to give a clear statement to all. You did not tell us if you have any children and my assumption is that you are yet to have any.

If this were the case, then this is potentially dangerous for you for obvious reasons. However, he can get this sorted. The easiest and most effective way is to get the three of you together with a witness or two and give a solid answer for all. This is because you all have different expectations from this mainly from him and about him. It would also be prudent to hear what she expects of him and get his reaction to that.

In such situations, there is no other option but to be bold and aggressive about things. If you don't push for answers now, they will either not be forthcoming or will catch you off guard at some point. Remember he may be telling each one of you the same things and this is what needs to get sorted. About the office situation, it is rather unfortunate and you may have to deal with it one day at a time. Unless you are ready to change jobs, you may have to brace yourself for tough times ahead and develop a thick skin. He holds the key to unlocking this stalemate and the earlier he does it, the better for everyone.

{Simon}

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