More pressing FAQs by women answered

This is the same question I have been asking about my comic novella, ‘Men, and Russian women?,’ why has it been unable to find a publisher, all these years? Some men are leg guys (leave alone those ones that look like legumes), others go for the bust, but some like butt. I don’t know. Personally I am an ‘eyes’ man.

Should I be offended when he keeps ogling other women when we are together?

The answer to this one is ‘no.’ Think of yourself as a motor vehicle, for the second week in a row. He is your official driver, complete with the log book and the insurance papers. You are a white Caldina, or if you prefer, a blue Subaru. A sleek black S Class Benz or big, red Range Rover Sports House pulls up next to you in traffic. He is gawking at the car. Would you be offended? No. In the same way, ogling other women is just like that.

You keep meeting very possessive men. Is it a vibe you give?

Yes. In the same way Beryl is responsible for my clothes on the line never drying because she keeps tossing her bath water over the balcony and onto my washing line – hence the reason I’m typing this piece mid-week in my boxers and the Chelsea T-shirt I wore for the game on Sunday – it is all your fault! Stop talking suggestively or behaving flirtatiously with other men. Don’t laugh too hard at a joke that is from a dude other than your man.

Why is sex so important to you guys?

Like, seriously? Honestly? Really? That’s like asking why is a camel so important to a Berber, or snow to an Eskimo. It’s a no-brainer. It is because sex is life and sex is love and sex is a laugh, and so on, signorita. But the truth is that most men simply cannot figure out what to do with you at the end of the evening. And so that three letter cliché becomes the clincher.

You must be smoking blunts if you imagine that we are living in the James Blunt song ‘1973’ where he calls Simona up every Saturday night, so they can just hang out till the morning light and sing, ‘Here, we go,’ again.(But, bluntly, that’s darn romantic, signor).

Lastly, why can’t men be like Christian Gray of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’?

Good question, young lady. Probably, it is because he is a fictional character, who only existed in the twisted mind of one E L James – before he was fleshed out to millions of masochistic madams and misses.

But if you really insist, we could procure handcuffs from a police buddy, and a ‘nyahunyo’ from the estate watchman – and whip you.