Evewoman : I learnt of my hubby's other woman on Facebook

Marriage Advice

I learnt of my hubby's little secret on Facebook

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I have been with my husband for 10 years although we have been living together for 7 years. The last few years have been very tough on us since we have been going through a lot of emotional and financial stress in the family but we are getting by. I just found out through Facebook that my husband has another family he has been keeping secretly. He did not deny it but said that he loves me very much and that he kept it a secret to avoid hurting me. I was devastated by the discovery. Now I hate him so much that most times I cannot even stand to see him around me. I no longer trust him and feel that my respect for him has gone. He keeps saying that it is me he loves and that the other woman and child was a mistake. I need your advice on how to deal with this. Please help me. {Leah}

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Your Take:

Leah, despite all that has happened, you are getting by. This is the spirit and you should not lose hope. The fact is that you are now in a polygamous marriage and you may need to start adapting to this. Offering resistance will only make things worse. Now that they even have a child, why don’t you encourage him to bring them over so you get to know them better?

{Ouma Ragumo}

I empathize with you but also appreciate that he did not deny it when you confronted him. This illustrates that you still mean a lot to him. As far as she is concerned, don’t think so much about her as this will only worsen the situation with your husband. The most important thing is to discuss and chart a way forward with him on this.

{Brian, Kitale}

In marriage, we’re meant to be intimate to share innermost thoughts, troubles, ideas and pleasures. With such a full-blown affair, you need to confront him through your close confidantes such as your best man or father-in-law or get some advice from a marriage counsellor about this.

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{Andrew Didy Chaplin}

It is good that he has assured you of his love despite all that is happening. You should wake up to the reality of the innate polygamous nature of any man. As long as he loves you and provides for you, there is no problem.

{Aseri Dick}

Your marriage and relationship is being tried here and the thing that will keep you together is love and trust. However, he should treat this issue with the seriousness that it deserves and stop calling it a simple mistake. Your thoughts and feelings are what should be your priority for now not the other woman’s.

{Peter Otieno}


Counselor’s Take:

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Leah, marriage is an investment and it requires enormous patience and commitment to keep on one hand as well as to stay in on the other.

You seem to have had a good man for 10 years only to discover his little dirty secret which brings out an almost permanent dark spot in your marriage.

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I say permanent because a wife and child cannot be easily done away with as they will always remain to be his people and by extension your people as well.

The degree of trust in him may have considerably reduced but we should always allow for a margin of error even in such situations. Yes, he made a mistake by keeping this from you but remember he has been with you for 10 years.

Since he has assured you of his love and commitment, I encourage you to take it one day at a time. Contempt always breeds more contempt and likewise so the best thing to do here is to just lock the other family out of your mind and move on.

What’s done; is done and unfortunately there is no “undo” button to some things. Certainly, the other family will always be a part of his life and you ought to find a way of living with this.

It is unfortunate that things will never be the same again but the focus ought to remain on securing the future not on lamenting on the past.

Lastly, this illustrates the negative effects that technology is having on our lives in the present times. Social media and other platforms are becoming avenues of discovery or launch pads for evil seekers.

For instance, an estranged lover would only have to post a photo (even if from the past) of you together and this would send things on a downward spiral.

Families are on the verge of breaking as a result of this and we should exercise caution and confirm the things we pick up from these sites before acting on them. {Taurus}

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