How to break bad news to your child

All of life’s disappointments, whether small or serious, can greatly upset a child. It’s important to let her know gently.

Her parents have split up, her home has been sold, her daddy has gone his way and she’s been left to live with her mother. Whichever way you look at it, this child’s young life has been turned upside down.

In such a case, the child needs to be prepared in advance before it happens and then the impending separation told with a lot of care.

The mother should approach it like this: “Mummy and Daddy love you very much but we are going to live in separate houses.”

At first you may not get a response. The child may imagine that you are moving houses like her friends did sometimes back. You need to explain it’s not entirely that way.

“We were going to live in two different houses but you can see Daddy whenever you want to,” is more appropriate.

This way, you have told the truth, as simply as you can and stressed that she is still loved by both of you.

Tell the truth

According to psychologists it is most important to be completely honest with children. They don’t like being lied to and they don’t like not being told. They can handle the truth, and giving them some advance notice of bad news is helpful. It’s important that adults don’t impose their evaluation and that they allow the child time to ask any questions they want to.

Children often don’t react immediately. The emotional kickback can come weeks later and she can throw the worst tantrum ever.

Treats and distractions

Strong emotional reactions can be part of a child’s response to even a relatively trivial announcement. When she throws a tantrum, allow her to express herself. Don’t say; “Don’t make a fuss.” She must be allowed to express her feelings and may need help to let them out in a way that’s not harmful.

Parents can say things like: “I know you must be furious,” and give opportunities to vent distress. They can suggest a harmless outlet like shouting; “You bad cold, go away!” or whatever it is that’s spoilt their plans.

Often, all that’s needed to bring a child around is the promise of a treat. For instance, you don’t want your four-year-old daughter to play with her friend who has a cold in case she gets it as well. She will get angry when you stop her from going to her friend. You can promise to take her out for a car ride or lunch at the fish and chips restaurant. The very thought is enough to cheer her up.

Preparing your child

Of course, if you know that something bad is going to happen, you have an advantage. First you can prepare yourself, which is especially important if it’s bad news to you as well. If, for example, her grandmother is very sick and about to die, you don’t have to tell your child immediately.

Think it through first until you can see the positive side for her. Tell her that her grandmother will soon be going to a better place and won’t be hurting any more.

How far in advance you tell your child depends on her temperament. An easy-going child may need to know a week in advance, while a child who’s ‘slow to warm up’ might need to know four weeks ahead so she has time to ask questions.

When to tell a ‘difficult’ child is harder to judge, because the child’s intense reaction can go on for much longer.

Easing the blow

*Before you blurt out a piece of bad news to your child, prepare yourself for her likely reaction. If she’s likely to become angry, encourage her to act out her feelings using her toys, or try to articulate how she feels by assuring her things like: ‘I expect this has hurt you very much’ or ‘you’re very cross, aren’t you?’

* If the disappointment is relatively minor, try to distract the child as soon as the opportunity arises. Focus on something she’s really interested in: ‘shall we feed the chickens this afternoon to make you feel better?’

*In the case of major upsets, like a relative dying or a best friend moving away, it’s important to allow your child to grieve, and to understand that this may take a long time. It may also account for some difficult behaviour. Don’t keep going back to the event, reminding her of her sorrow, but do offer her plenty of cuddles and ask how she’s feeling.