Move in together? First put a ring on it

At 36, Clara was dreaming of a lavish wedding after living together with her partner for seven years. She had tried everything to win the confidence of her man. Her single most important objective was to walk down the aisle with her prince charming and live happily ever after. To her disappointment, this became an elusive fantasy.

Instead of the relationship providing the security, fulfillment and the happiness she craved for, it brought a lot of pain, emotional and physical abuse not to mention the social pressure she withstood, especially from her parents, family and peers.

Hopeless

When Clara started therapy a year later, she was looking for a way out of the relationship. “I spent more time planning my wedding more than enjoying the company of my partner,” she sobbed. She felt hopeless and devastated! How can I move on from here? She wondered.

As Clara and I explored the issues, she shared on how she went from dating to cohabiting. Her response was consistent with what many studies show: “It just happened. We were sleeping over at each other’s house most times. We craved to be together and figured out it was the best thing to do. After all, it was cheaper, easier, better and more convenient.  Not giving it much thought, I left a personal item each time: a dress, blouse, skirt, make-up and guess what, I finally had the entire wardrobe. Moving in made sense!”

This is not a new story. We all know someone struggling in a similar relationship and it rarely gets better. We imagine that moving in and being sold out to another’s agenda will earn us favour in abundance and the wedding ring.

That’s a fallacy! Open your eyes and smell the coffee. The guy is having a good time and enjoying the free goodies. No wonder they say, “Why buy a cow when you get the milk for free?”

Dreaded commitment

While women view ‘come-we-stay’ as a step towards the big wedding, men generally view it as an opportunity to test a relationship, enjoy unattached and secure sex. This gives him a great opportunity to postpone his dreaded commitment and hence the excuse: “How can I buy a car without doing a road test?”

Many, like Clara, are entangled in the emotional, physical, social and economical commitments attached to this arrangement, making it difficult to simply walk away. While it is important for every individual to assess their motivation and commitment levels in their relationships, it is only after a decision to make a commitment for marriage do couples begin the journey of mutual growth and working towards oneness.

Unfounded

The idea that a cohabiting relationship is equivalent to marriage is unfounded.

To enjoy a meaningful and lasting relationship, one must make a decision to commit and be content.

If you desperately want that ring, moving in without a commitment is not the solution.

You should consider staying away until the commitment is made. This allows you to involve the relevant persons like mentors, parents and friends who will hold you accountable and hence strengthen your relationship.

Photo: www.huffingtonpost.com

The writer is a relationship coach and author of ‘Marriage Built to Last’. You can reach her on: www.jenniekarina.co.ke