Confessions: Once baby came, our sex life took a beating, will it ever recover?

My wife and I have been married for five years and we have a one-year-old daughter. Ever since she was born, our sex life has never been the same.

When we first got married, we would sleep in each other’s’ arms. When the baby was born, I understood and kept off as the baby was breastfeeding and she slept in our bed.

Now that the baby sleeps in her own cot, my wife will barely let me touch her. You can imagine what that does to our sex life.

Surely this isn’t normal. What could be wrong? Please help me, I don’t know how to start.

Matthew

What readers say

Though one year is a long time for a husband and wife to ‘chill’, it’s not out of the ordinary. You are also in your right stead to have your own fears, one being that your wife could be dating another man or possibility of you standing to stare at ‘your neighbour’.

However you may also need to be conscious of the following: First, the pregnancy and delivery experience could have a serious impact on a woman’s sexual urge. The fear of a similar ‘experience’ may put a woman off the urge of the source.

Secondly, some women engage in sex for procreation, not recreation, and whenever the next urge comes, it’s because another baby should be on the way, just waiting for a ‘jump start’.

This should explain why most women have lower urge for their husbands, especially as the children grow older; sex gets more instrumental than environmental. And this should explain why most marriages hit the rocky stretch with the main problems being from the bedroom! It is also possible that you could be turning her off, and when you get irritated at her ‘insensitivity’ she swims further into the water so you should also carry out a ‘sound check’ of yourself.

For all these, brother, you have two possible ways of rediscovering yourselves. You know what makes her happy more than anything else, avail this, even if it’s an outing, and make sure your nerves are just cool.

Smile as you look at her face and ask her the obvious and you will certainly gain a lot of ground.

- Tasma Saka

Studies show that 80 per cent of marriage break ups and divorce cases in the world are as a result of sexual problems. Maybe you even deserted your wife all through the pregnancy period and even at the painful time of child birth only to resurface and start demanding sex now.

However, doctors normally recommend a certain period of abstinence from sex after child birth depending on whether it was a normal delivery or ceaserian section and that could be the case.

Anyway, take your wife for a picnic or trip to an exciting and quiet place where you are sure she will enjoy herself and bring up the matter for discussion in a polite manner using a soft tone and you will sort it out.

- Dolly Olimba

Every marriage receives a better share of its own woes. Sex life indeed changes with added responsibilities. The tree has grown old and training it to take different shape could really be a great challenge.

Should you sit back and count on your distress? Obviously not. A number of things can be the issue. Is there any family planning method in use? Was the use advised by qualified medical personnel? Yes she could be a victim of low libido because of hormonal imbalance created by birth control method probably in use.

Similarly, you ought to have discussed everything as soon as you had a new member in the family. She too could be tired due to a lot of work during daytime. Nonetheless, you do not need to be on receiver end of tiresome day.

Have a plenary session and be firm on what you need. Denial of conjugal rights is one of the reasons of broken marriages; unless she has or is scheming for this. Let her sober up on this issue before it wholesomely swallows you too into divorce and or unstable marriage.

If need be, seek assistance from a medical staff with high experience in the field of family planning and marriage counsel; all said and done, have a blissful marriage.

- Ouma Ragumo-Sifuyo

I understand you just like most men experience the same especially with their first borns. Talk to your wife and ask her in privacy what could be the issue or problem.

If you have not then talk to her or even take her out for a holiday say in Mombasa, Masai Mara or any other social place.

Do you have a maid or what is your housing structure or is there privacy or not? You also need to consult your family counsellor or therapist for some issue solving. Otherwise this is a temporary situation and you will come out of it soon.

- Onyango Outha

 Hilda says

Dear Mathew,

Child birth is a life changing event to any parent. It is a mix of traumatic and pleasant experience in different proportions to different people. Also remember there was the nine months of pregnancy and the labour. 

After delivery there is the drastic hormonal changes that can greatly affect the mother emotionally. Then the slow healing process, the nagging colic and sleepless nights. I am painting this picture so you can understand the magnitude of what your wife went through. I hope you offered much needed support then. 

Also note that every woman is affected differently by this process. Some take it in their strides while other may need intervention and support. 

One year is along time and clearly there is so much happening to wife beyond the delivery experience. How much change has happened to her physical body? The weight gain, stretch marks, enlarged and engorged boobs can interfere with a woman’s self-esteem especially if she is the kind that is very particular about her looks.

This can take away her confidence and desire for intimacy. I hope you have been sensitive with your comments about her looks. This is the time to compare the before and after pictures unless the transformation is to the better. 

I know all these may be to much for you go unravel, seeing a therapist will help you nail the problem. Both of you need a face-to-face sessions with a professional counsellor. Also, get out of you way to be kind and supportive in every possible way, remember you are the immediate support.

- Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology