Our fathers were hopeless, don’t be like them

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I never saw my father. I am one of those people who will never know what it feels like to be owned by a man who, in the evening, sits on the sofa, legs on the table, glasses slanted over the bridge of the nose, reading a newspaper (actually nodding off).

However, the uncles who filled in the role were gracious, wise and did a perfect job. I will never complain. But not all fathers were like my uncles. I know many fathers who behaved like gods. Choleric men whose reign of terror in their families destroyed their children, forever.

I know many female cousins who, on realising they were pregnant, as teenagers took off with the wastrels who had impregnated them, condemning themselves to a life of misery. I know many cousins and friends with zero feelings towards their fathers.

I know many married women who have lived extremely wretched lives simply because their husbands were breadwinners. I doubt there are feminists out there who hate men because of their douche-bag fathers who abused their mother. I suppose even some women changed their sexual orientation because of their abusive fathers.

My father’s generation (men born between 1935 to 1965), were mostly losers as I have said before. They were born after the White man had thrashed their fathers’ spirits and there was this identity crisis that gripped the country when they were growing up. Then there was education, a shift in the way people earned their living, KANU’s reign of terror that made them so pussy-footed, they had to let their frustrations on their poor wives and kids.

They were mostly absent fathers or present but cold. Some beat their wives with reckless abandon and went to brag in bars when drinking all night was followed by submissive wives who opened doors for them at some devil hour.

Today, pulling such a stunt can see a hubby sleeping in the cold, or if very lucky, the couch.

As Frank Bruni, the New York Times columnist wrote recently, a mother’s love was automatic and unconditional whereas a father’s love was earned. Mothers nurtured, tending to tears. Fathers judged, prompting them. Mothers had to lavish the kids with affection and fathers could come and go, as long as they provided.

My college senior Justus Omwoyo recently shared a powerful Facebook post where he examined how power changes within a family as children grow. First you have a powerful father who abuses the wife and kids. Kids grow, start earning their money and lavish the mother, leaving their dad to die of loneliness, hypertension and depression. Since he was never there for them, the children side with the mother after many years of shared victimisation.

What annoys me the more about men of our father’s generation is that they didn’t even fight in a war that kept them away from home or forced them to deal with post-traumatic problems. They were right here and they ruined men of my generation, who to date, if left in a room with their fathers will not hold a coherent conversation.

I am glad things have changed and there are fewer women who can settle for the crap our fathers took our mothers through. For men of my generation, we can be great fathers if we drop the macho brouhaha that irreparably damages children and hurts the wives more.

Learn to eat at home, every day with your wife and kids. Giving your family time is the best gift ever as opposed to money that you are chasing. Be slow to judge, and quick to motivate and empower your family. Be patient, women go through so much, offer a helping hand everywhere you can.

Learn to forgive. Know children will have different abilities, yours is to empower those that they can flourish in. Give them gifts. Respect their mother. If you divorce, have a respectful relationship for their sake. You brought them to the world, so, you have to show them the way.

Teach your daughter about the standards of men she should interact with, lest she brings home a midget with a stud on the right ear who listens to rock music. Teach your son substance, lest he marries a woman with a tattoo and a nose ring.

It is as simple as that. Not rocket science. And the rewards are terrific.

@nyanchwani

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