After last week’s shenanigans around the picking of a running mate, Harold told me that we needed to have a village prayer breakfast. We needed to deceive people that we are doing okay in spite of all the confusion that was caused by Harold naming Sue as his running mate after Sue had named Clarissa as hers, which made me name Harold as my running mate.

My main concern was if there would be enough food to feed Harold in that breakfast. When Sue was interviewed by the media, which is yours truly, she confirmed that the meeting would bring peace in the village. Harold picked that as peas and thus hurriedly convened the meeting.

Outside Harold Assemblies of Holy Associates (HAHA), on a sunny morning, everybody who steals from public coffers met. We sat on the church pews and benches as those who drink wine and preach water were forced to drink water, the only available beverage.

Harold, my running mate, was no longer the person of interest in this meeting; a running mate never is. Alongside drinking his water, he nibbled on the humble pie.

I called the meeting to order and asked the church choir to present a song. The village choir leader, Githendu, who is the finest singer at Believers Entertainment and Enlightenment Retreat (BEER), stubbed out his cigarette and rallied his forces. They sang Tano Tena, which is a beloved song in the village.

Time for speeches then came, and in order of importance, I invited guests onto the stage. Kinuthia came forward to make his speech and as you all know, he has a very short memory and the time he took to navigate the crowd and land on the stage was enough to make him forget everything he wanted to say. He thanked me for calling him forward and went back to his seat.

Next was Clarissa. She talked about the role of women in leadership. She told us about Jael in the Bible and how she led Sisera into cosy hiding when his assailants came after him.

She also told us that it was Eve who led Adam out of the Garden of Eden, otherwise, we would not have discovered Gitegi. Women were born leaders, she insisted.

Sue came and spoke of her role in disseminating the truth. “They come to my place and everyone gets as truthful as they can get,” she said.

It was true, though. When they get drunk, Sue’s customers and followers scream out all the secrets they have. It has wrecked homes; a man was once beaten into a pulp by his wife for confessing he had been seeing Faith.

He did not mean to end that statement there. He meant to say he had been seeing faith moving mountains, but in his drunken stutter, he failed himself. The only known Faith also got a beating of her life.

That man stopped drinking. Sue took credit for saving the marriage from collapsing due to the husband’s alcoholism.

Harold was his usual happy self, talking about the importance of prayer.

“Ask and it shall be given unto you. Knock and the door shall be opened for you. Seek and you shall find,” he said. I had feared he would forget it was “seek” and not “sick”, so the last line did not end with “…and a doctor shall come to you…” as he always fabricated it.

However, he said that verse was from the book of Saul, which I am yet to confirm (I am a busy man) but which sounded a bit inaccurate.

I spoke last. I lambasted Harold and Sue for not sitting on the same pew. “What is the purpose of the prayer breakfast if not to unite you?” I asked.

Harold would later tell me that even Manchester, which is united, failed to beat Arsenal, which every big team beat.