Art of seduction has changed

Every age group has its own mating rituals that are peculiar to its time and circumstances.

Members of the age group immediately before mine were among the first in my community to have a say in the choice of a mate, and this freedom was often celebrated in elaborate “white” weddings.

Before that, the practice was for Parent A who had an eligible son to approach Parent B who had a daughter of marriageable age and over a horn or two of traditional brew, the rituals leading to marriage would commence.

The views of the two people directly affected by these discussions were rarely ever sought.

By the time I came of age and it was my turn to seek out a life partner, there was a full rebellion underfoot against both arranged marriages and ‘white’ weddings.

Freedom of choice was in vogue.

This freedom was exercised in various ways, but the most common was through the “come-we-stay” arrangement. It was never something that two young people sat down and agreed upon.

Usually, it was initiated by the young man after meeting a girl he liked either in church or through an intermediary who could be his friend and the girl’s relative or acquaintance.

The mating dance would begin with the young man asking for the young woman’s contact such postal address and telephone number, if any.

The following week he would be in touch asking if they could meet on Friday for coffee. (Coffee was the trendy thing, even if all they ended having together was weak tea in some restaurant.)

If the date was accepted, this was viewed by the young man as a qualified expression of interest on the girl’s part.

A couple of coffee dates later, matters would be taken to the next level by the young man inviting the object of his heart’s desire to his ‘maskan’, usually a bed-sitter which contained all his worldly possessions.

Of course, a self-respecting girl would be expected to protest that she was not in the habit of visiting strange men’s houses.

KIND OF SPOUSE

How he overcame these objections and prevailed upon her to accept his invitation was a mark of the young man’s “tuning” abilities and part of the mating dance.

A self-respecting girl would never consider making her maiden appearance at a young man’s house alone, but would be accompanied by a female friend.

On that first day, the girls would do little and leave the young man to handle all the chores such as cooking. If she offered to help with the cleaning up after lunch or supper, this was a positive indicator.

All the while, the young lady and her chaperone would be all eyes.

Everything from the sofa set to the bed and the quality of the music system would be assessed to determine the kind of spouse the young man would make. If these things did not meet their expectations, chances were high that a repeat visit was not in the cards. Should the opposite be the case, however, the really serious part of the mating dance would begin. The next time she visited, she would probably spend the night.

After her departure the following day, the following day the young man would notice that she had “forgotten” a trifling possession such as a bangle.

No matter, the omission would be corrected the day she came round again, hopefully soon.

When that time came, she would take the bangle but would now leave behind more damning evidence of her presence such as underwear because this time she had thoughtfully come with something fresh to change into.

MARKING TERRITORY

As the two got to know each other better and the frequency of visits increased, so the belongings left behind would pile up.

Now, there would even be a dress or two and a cardigan gracing the young man’s wall or wardrobe.

These items were her way of marking territory  and a form of anti-competition repellent. By the time she brought her stove/cooker, the live-in arrangement was a fait accompli however imperfect.

No wonder the Attorney General has been working so hard to make it easy for Kenya’s countless live-in couples to regularise their marriages.