Family: Giving your child both ears

By John Muturi

Simple gestures like nodding your head, saying “mmhh’, go along way in encouraging the minor to open up. When you actively listen to your child, it means you’re fully attentive to what she is saying rather than just ‘hearing’ her message. This involves listening with all senses,  focusing fully on the child as she speaks, and actively showing verbal and non-verbal signs of listening.

For instance, by maintaining eye contact, nodding and smiling, agreeing by saying ‘Yes’ or simply ‘Mmm hmm’ to encourage her to continue. By providing this ‘feedback’ the child feels more at ease and communicates more easily.

You should remain neutral and non-judgmental, which means trying not to take sides or form opinions, especially early in the conversation. Don’t be tempted to jump in with questions or comments every time there are a few seconds of silence. 

Negative emotions

Before we can learn how to listen to our children, we must understand children’s feelings. Often when children share emotions with us, we tell them how they should or should not feel, which is wrong.

The safest way to get rid of negative emotions is to express them. Bottling them up results in bitterness leading to resentment that will erupt later. When your child’s emotions surface, listen empathetically, accept the feelings, and provide acceptable outlets. By listening actively, you’ll discern the true feelings behind her words. When you think you understand, you then put it into your own words and send it back to the child for verification. At times it will be necessary for you to prod gently to uncover the feelings behind the words.

Importance of active listening:

It helps a child learn how to handle negative feelings. Your acceptance of her feelings will teach her that negative emotions are a part of life and that she is not ‘bad’ for having such feelings. It will also help her learn not to bottle up emotions but to seek an acceptable outlet to vent his feelings.

Close bond

• It provides a close relationship between parent and child. Everyone enjoys the feeling of being listened to, and understood by another. The experience creates a bond of closeness that fosters trust.

• It helps her move toward independent problem solving. Being able to verbalise in an atmosphere of complete acceptance and being able to use another person as a ‘sounding board’, helps us think more clearly and move toward a more acceptable solution.

• It teaches a child to listen to a parent and to others. The earlier and more frequently you demonstrate to your child that you will listen to her ideas and problems, the more willing she will be to listen in return.

• It encourages a child to think for herself. Active listening encourages a child to think and talk about problems rather than running away from them. As parents, it’s our duty, however, to equip our children with the ability to deal with, and solve the problems of life. Active listening provides the basis for a relationship of trust and warmth, while constant advice, solutions, warnings, and lectures destroy relationships.