How to catch a cheating woman

Unlike catching a cheating man, nabbing an unfaithful woman is not easy. However, here I explain a very easy way to do so. Infidelity, suspected or confirmed, has serious and devastating psychological effects to a mate in a relationship or marriage.

Truth is, just like men, many women cheat. The perception that women don't cheat (or cheat less, compared to men) stems from the fact that they plan and execute infidelity with high level of precision. They do this because the risks and consequences of being caught are dire.

Take Mr Muli for instance. A no nonsense man who boldly brags that no woman (including his ex girlfriends in his hey days) has or can ever cheated on him. "No woman has ever played me. All the women who have been in my life know I don't take prisoners. And if I get the slightest hint that my current wife is cheating on me. She has to go," Mr Muli declares.

But what does Muli know about women (people who don't leave trails of their infidelity)? Does he even know that some of the children he is raising were probably not sired by him?

When it comes to cheating women are clinical; they keep their activities under wraps. They cover their tracks. It's just that a few have increasingly become clumsy, creating the impression that women began cheating just the other day.

So many women cheat on their men regularly and have never been caught, are not about to be caught, and will never ever be caught. Sorry men, so you thought you are smarter? Well, if you didn't know, now you know; women actually beat you, hand down, at your own game! Ouch!

Normally, when cheating, women have a plan complete with a back up plan on how to extricate themselves and get off the hook. Amina* a self proclaimed drama queen explains how she once turned tables on her then campus sweetheart after he confronted her upon discovering she had been cheating, and even made him apologise when in actual sense she had cheated on him.

"I revenged on my boyfriend by playing him, after I discovered he had all along been fooling around with another lady. When he accidentally read a romantic text message send to me by a class mate I had been having a thing with, I protested and faked annoyance when he attempted to confront me. I told him it was one of the messages from many men who were trying to hit on me whom I always told I was taken," she reveals.

Before he could say a thing, Amina says, she stormed out of his room in a fit of self righteous rage, crying foul and demanding him to apologise or end the relationship for not trusting her and 'falsely' accusing her of cheating. She says, her boyfriend apologised.

Catching a cheating woman is not the easiest of tasks. Like a clumsy bear, men always leave behind trails of their infidelity; scented perfume and lipstick on shirts, lodging receipts in pockets, naughty text messages, sent Mpesa messages and what not.

Unfortunately, women don't.No. They don't.

The good people at National Intelligence may boast all they want about how they are on top of things; how they know all the top secrets Kenyans keep, and how snoopy and fantastic they are at busting all sorts of clandestine activities, but they just can't bust a cheating woman! Most women who cheat on their boyfriends or husbands do not do so necessarily because they feel less loved or are unhappy. Most cheat just because they have boring bedroom lives. Period. Most are 'happily' married, but never happy in their bedrooms. Little wonder then, that, they stay put (and cheat) and never file for divorce or separation.

To catch a cheating woman one has to narrow down to certain times of her monthly menstrual cycle. If asked, most women might confess that indeed at certain times of the month they are always tempted to cheat. Women interviewed in this report, whose names we have changed to protect their innocence, make shocking confessions.

Grace* reveals that indeed during certain times of their monthly menstrual cycle, which for the sake of this report we chose to call 'cheating window', hormones wreak havoc, causing some women to behave recklessly. Hear her: "At times those hormones make some women act crazy. It is just that most of us suppress the urge. However, some women who lack control end up succumbing to temptations."

She says this, in a way, explains why some women, married or in relationships, still invest in those 'vibrating toys' just in case their men let them down at that hour of need. Because, to some women, this cheating window comes with wildness that one can never wish away.

Is this hormone theory partly an explanation for strange concepts such as one 'night stands' and 'flings'? Where by a woman (not of loose morals or easy virtues per se), probably during her cheating window, meets a perfect stranger, say at a party, who tickles her fancy, and hey presto, they end up engaging in a gland to gland combat. Food for thought.

Kate* whose school of thought has a lot in common with Grace's says during certain times of the month all that is on the minds of some women is engaging in acts of the rod. "For two or so days, one's mind is always preoccupied with thoughts about engaging in an amorous congress. But you can't blame us. It is our biological make up, but at least most of us have control," chuckles Kate.

She adds that at times hormones go overboard so much that any man who presses the right buttons becomes fair game. This perhaps explains those strange scandalous tales of descent women cheating with very unlikely, and lowly characters such as watchmen, houseboys, men young enough to be their sons or even distant relatives.

To catch a cheating wife, then, all a man needs to do is study and cram his woman's menstrual cycle and keenly observe how she behaves during the cheating window. We have discovered that during their fertile days, women likely to stray require very little or at times no incentive to cheat. And seeing as they probably finds their men boring or are the types to ration conjugal rights, as a man when they make advances at her during that cheating window and she starts whining about how she has a 'headache', its very likely she has cheated! And for sure, at around that time, if you check her call log, it is very likely you will see strange calls to or from men with weird names such as 'battery low'!

And as most women will confess that during fertile days of their cycle, they tend to fantasize (or flirt with) alot about other men a part from their men whom they find, as they like saying, boring. Grace* argues that some women are 'happily' married but because their men are boring, the moment they ovulate hell breaks loose, and cheating becomes inevitable.

That hormones drive women to do crazy things is not in doubt. We all know what hormones do to them, for instance, during pregnancy; some eat strange foods, do and crazy things. Thus, during this cheating window, some get irritated or bored by their boring men, especially those who can't function at the junction, and instead crave other men.

As a man, if you try jokes such as, "hey honey, tonight am not in the mood, I have a headache," at a time when she is undergoing her cheating window, rest assured she will get it elsewhere. As we mentioned from the onset that women are very cautious when cheating, to ensure men don't catch them, they do it with unlikely people whom their men least or never suspect.

Top on that list is their boyfriends or husbands best friend. Folklore is rich with tales of women who cheat with their boyfriends or husbands best friends.

The other very dangerous group are the men she always refers to as "just a friend", especially those who buy her gifts...

It is always joked that members of a certain community from western Kenyan, whose love for chicken is legendary, hardly keep the said bird as a pet. And if they purport or try to, it is always a matter of time before the chicken is turned into stew!

Thus, if, whenever you raise suspicion about your girlfriend or wife cheating, she always simplifies the allegations and laughs it off by referring to the man in question as " he is just a friend", friend, be warned; raise a red flag and launch an investigation.

For the love of God, which man in his right mind would suspect a pastor of cheating with his wife? Well, don't be too sure. If at all you have been believing when she says she is going for night vigil (kesha), brethren, think again. She could be engaging in acts of rod with the man of God.

Last but not least, unlike men who fool around with the 'hot' next door neigbour or even house girl, women don't cheat with men far from where they live. So when she talks about going for an out of town chamaa meeting or girls' night out, especially during her cheating window, don't take it to heart. It is very likely going to meet her secret lover.

But as mentioned earlier that women are way smarter than men, now that the genie is out of the bottle, chances are most of those who cheat will change tact and this methodology will not work. Damn it! actually catching a cheating woman is Herculean task!