Virtue, trusted binder of relationships

A couple praying (PHOTO: Courtesy)

NAIROBI: There are numerous signs of a dying relationship and those that Allan Kimani of eve woman writes about in one of his articles are a shocking eye opener.

Allan discusses criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stone walling as the stale side of a relationship and if one found time to go through this alarming article, ‘Four signs your marriage could end’, they would nod to the fact that it is better to end a relationship full of bad attitudes than hang longer on the noose.

Yet we wonder why an initial days’ admirably matchless union of two people could slide into a bond of enmity. I mean a situation where the person you once always rushed home to as darling turning out, or rather in your eyes, to be your worst demon! You call your spouse names, first in their absence and then as the thorn in your sole sinks deeper into your flesh, you call them all on their face; selfish brat, cow, dog, fool and all sorts of signifiers coming from your rotting self.

Even as you get shocked at how terrible your relationship is doing, try to put something clear for our comprehension- what was the basis of your coming together? Was it virtue or vice?

A man and woman become an item for different reasons, in different circumstances too. Some circumstances are disputable but your ‘love’ beats all odds. I for instance agree with dating on social media especially facebook with weighty reserves. The story of a woman who was raped and stabbed by a man she identified as a facebook date sent chills all over social media. The sad part of the tale was that the woman survived only long enough to identify the murderer. This pretty woman had been desperate for love for a long time but unfortunately, the long sought commodity never crossed her path in her lifetime. This is just an aside.

People should never go into relationships veiling mean reasons and intentions such as lust and material gains. There comes a time when one has them, is full of them but strongly feels is unaccomplished. This is the time they feel they are thirsty of love and full of hate. You wish to give anything away provided your partner vanishes into thin air as well.

Relationships should be grounded on morals. Morals stem from virtues that we only come by when we choose the Godly path.

Love for instance should be a virtue because it initially is. It should be that attitude where you see God in your neighbour. We look at our partner and the only thing that comes in our hearts is tenderness towards them, whatever their shortcoming. When they are miles away from us, our feelings are not restricted to our missing their physical touch and when we look at them, we do not see sex objects.

In such a virtuous relationship, we involve a much Supreme Being in solving our misunderstanding. When something is out of control we kneel to pray together with a common interest and when we open our eyes, we are offloaded and reenergized to take up more ups and downs.

It carries a lot more impact to tell God how much you love your partner a great number of times than you say it to them. This is because promises to God commits us more to whatever we pledge than the empty mouthfuls we pour towards fellow human beings. In this case, we should learn to say, “God, I love my wife” more than “My wife, I love you”.

It isn’t true that relationships that embrace virtue do not solve issues. Yes they do in the most effective way. There is positive criticism shielded with tolerance and tenderness so that your partner does not feel put down. There is no defensiveness but acceptance of mistakes and forgiveness. There is transparency and forgiveness. This is however achieved only where both parties embrace virtue and defend it as part of their journey together.