Smitta Smitten: To hell with these 'celebz'

There’s a song by one of my fave rock groups, Aerosmith that goes:-

‘Prezzo’s got a gun, his dog day’s just began, now everybody’s on the run, coz prezzo’s got a gun.’

Ok, wagwan, the song is actually ‘Janie’s Got a Gun,’ but you gich?

I’m sayin’ Prezzo is now, most def, one of the celebz I can almost write off, ne’er mind his #prezzoproverbz like “matunda yako karibu kuzaa ndio yanatupiwa mawe.” (No, dude! Yule anatupa mawe ni fan wa Gor Mahia).

After his alleged smackin’ of some KQ flight guy at Nyayo Estate for not giving him a lift to tao on Sato usiku, x-posed by that great patriot Robert Alai, why lie, Prezzo has not only lost the plot but whoever bought it has already sold it to MMU.

Then there is that other badly angukad star, Ray C of TeeZee.

She used to be that celeb with the zegsy n sleepy ‘macho za bedroom’ n hawt body like a Hottentot that every-baddy secretly wudn’t mind a bit of a bang; but she chose to swing dat shit to a druggie called ‘Lord Eyes,’ n that waz the start of the mwisho (ha, wattever became of Mwisho from BBA, waz it two)?

Anyway, Ray C went from being East Africa’s biggest star chickie, only challenged by that mamcilla singer of ‘Yahya unaishi wapi? Pellegrini ana-ku-lipa pesa ngapi, o yah-yaa weeee... Othaya, Othaya’ fame, to a junkie.

Her last real gig waz in our local shoppie hangout, Piccolina in Vumira, South B, (these days managed by the uber cool Charlo). Then she returned so skinny to TeeZee we thought that Naijo soong ‘Skele Who?’ waz about her drug-ass self.

None other than ex prez Kikwete came to Ray C’s rescue.

She went to re-hab, got fat, came out, went to kanisa – then went right back to that drug drizzle!

Now if Kikwete cannot saidia you, n yu running around naked in the market centre n threatening soocide, you need higher intervention.

So the question is this – #WhatCanMagufuliDo?

In Ray C’s case – the answer is nazzing!

What Ray C needs is an EA summit convened called ‘The Ray C Intervention’ in Arusha and attended by Prez Uhunye, Magufuli, Kagame n either Kiir Kill or Wretch Machier of South Sudan (n of course, YM7, who will stop his motorcade to take a long call by the side of the bush) to ban tembe za Ray C – n of course signed off on by one Ban Ki-Moon.

(Just remembered a poem that me lil Chelski likes reciting – ‘hey diddle diddle, the cat n the fiddle, the baboon jumped over the moon, the little hyena laffed, to see such a sight and the dish eloped with the spoon).#Speakin’ of baboons, one Ababu Namwamba seems to have hepad Cord, n as Rao chapas laps in Western this week, I saw a vid of some Lunjez singing funeral songs for da former ODM Sec Gen.

Kwanza hio ‘eee.’

I won’t write off this celeb politico’s career in siasa just yet, tho! Lez see how he goes, he he, in 2017.

(Even as we campaign for one Papa Ahmed to become MP of Langata, n return the best West days).

As for Melanie Trump plagiarising Michelle Obama’s two-oh-eight speech on Monday at the RNC, that SlovaK slutski is as fake as her hubby’s hairpiece, or a degree from Trump University (USA’s own Nairobi Aviation Colle). He’s an orangutan!

Kenzo is, also, so gone (he is the former Ogopa guy who walks around with his eyes hidden behind shades). A source ( Mkala) tole the Smitta that at the recent ‘Pambazuko’ Sh100 M lottery launch, the feller wazn’t only not allowed access to the celeb area, but got the cold shoulder from fellow artistes – n even fans/raia didn’t want a selfie with him, woiye! It is as if he went to Rio n returned with ziki (the plague, not the music). Now, Kenzo, we can square this up in South B, and you know where...Trappusy will pay the bill!

Lastly, that Snapchat ‘tweef’ between Vera Sidika and Huddah Monroe (again!) over ‘Flat Tummy Tea’ n who has gotten more endorsements. Who cares? In my opinion, someone should swing Huddah an ad to promote ‘flat tits’ tea.

As for Vera, she should promote ‘flatulence’ tea, coz you just look at dat fat ass o’ hers n imagine the cubic volume of ‘air’ contained within its bubble – it can clear a room wen unleashed!