From Dj Creme to Bro Ocholla: 12 celebs the Pope should pray for

 Pope Francis is in Kenya in a three day visit

Now that the Pope is in town, I waz thinking of ‘12 apostles’ who really need divine intervention. Yaaani, celebz who should pop in to see the Pontiff, n ask for his mercy.

DJ Crème de la Crème

I know our bro already said ‘sorri’ for that spanking new video that he made of him riding saddle with that dudette. He sed he let down his family, sponsors, pals, blah blah blah, but the real let down waz to Team Mafisi. Starting with the hero of hyenas called Mollis. Like, how lousy n lazy were Crème’s rubskis on that video? If yur gonna pond a porn video, then better ‘come in’ (pardon the pun), with yur A-Game.

Risper Faith

It is not good to mock the Lord, said ... the Lord. N I feel this is watt the socialite called Risper Faith is doan by saying she has found the faith, tattooing her arm with the saying ‘the Lord is My shepherd’ n then immediately going on line to post pics with her nyonyos, which she calls her ‘berries’ on display like tomatoes with Mama Mboga on Ronald Ngala road.

If the Lord’s her shepherd, then she definitely walking thru darth vader’s dark vale ... n those nyonyos are the mountains in that valley.

Michelle Morgan

MM is as cool as a Mars Bar, watt, with her motor-bikes n all n a real vroom vroom gal, but she has done an act of betrayal. She is engaged to a Chinku called Peng Cheng, n we just wanna whack him rousey-style with sum kung fu for ‘stealing’ our marvelous Michelle.

Kwanza where did they meet, on the Thika Super Highway?

Muriuki Kagiri aka MK

I somad about this dude just last week on SDE when we waz in Indonesia and I suppose he a savedie coz he be in a group called Christ Psychos or sumthing. Now why this weird-boy be blogging fashion insteada spreading the good news of the Lawd. Jesus waz humble n walked around barefoot or in akalas, as he spread the gospo, yet this MK weird-boy be walking around in thirty grand loafers, yet the Pope himself be preaching simplicity.

Marya

As I transited thru Doobs ( n met ole pal Gomeri Kombo, son of Musikari the wizard) n thot of how Dubai is a place one goes thru, not goes to, ne’er mind dat tis the dream destination of funny folks like Sidika (she need usaidizi ku sadikika), I thought of Marya.

Her ole pal Avril Nyambush is still throwing down dope gal fresh videos like ‘No Stress’, but Marya is just still happily in Dubs, getting fat on camel burgers.

Sam Nyamweya

This shortie is watt has made us all sick n tired of the shagnenigans of Kenyan soccer. Mara hawalipi ndege ya kupeleka Stars Cape Verde, this merde (thaz s*** in French) matapakas. Then they send em on propelled bombardier aircrafts made in 1915, yet a hundred M waz set aside for Kinya’s delegation to ICC on ba-half of our DP’s ‘personal challenges.’ FKF stands for ‘F*****g Kenyan Football’ since 2011.

Davido the Naijo

Dude wud have us believe he waz robbed in Sandton, Jo-Burg, of $ 185 000, yet the max cash one is allowed to roll into SA with is USD 10 000. If he withdrew it, which the Smitts doubts, wat cash deal wud that be for, unless tis drugskis? Celebz n their loaded lies! Wawache kubeba wananchi ki-ufala.

Kenzo

Eti two chickas were bouting over him in a club! Watt did they want from him – his dark glasses?

AY

There are tales he wantsa re-locate to Kenya. Wa Tee Zee wote wakae kwao. Kenya is areadee full.

Julianni

Beef is for the followers of devvo. Julianni shd repent for twitter-beefing wit Kaka Sungura, Khalligraph n Octopizzo. After all, its not as if Nyashinski of olde Klepto made him his successor as ‘King of Rap’ when he lefty the 254 for Amerika.

Bro Ocholla

Even if its been a few weeks now, it waz very wrong of Bro Ocholla to use the term ‘ninth heaven’ in his termz for dealings with his wifeski on Wazzup. ‘Ninth Heaven’ is a place reserved for saints like Sista Nyaathi, not for some mjacka’s orgiastic perambulations of da pelvis.