Kenyan politicians in panic as witchdoctors threaten to join medics in nationwide strike

Fear and panic has gripped the political class after reports leaked, suggesting that witchdoctors are planning on joining medical doctors in striking.

This happening at a time when politicians had began visiting witchdoctors for spells and charms to win various seats in the forth-coming elections, it is a matter of more urgent national attention than the case of medics striking.

The politicians are worried that if the witchdoctors pull this move, they will be left with no secret weapon to use in the upcoming general election.

With a good number of them not sure of victory in the absence of a combination of voter-bribery and witchcraft, the unconfirmed reports have thrown them into panic and many are reported to be burning midnight oil to avert the strike.

"How will I be able to afford life in Kenya on less than a million shillings a month? I'm not like the people I have been pretending to serve and whose lives I failed to improve! Besides I have many mouths to feed... majority of whom you will get to know about at my funeral!" one current elected politician lamented.

To prevent the action that could see most of them lose their privileged positions, the politicians are now asking the government to engage the witchdoctors in dialogue. However, it has been widely acknowledged in public service circles that it will be difficult for the government to choose a negotiating team.

"Given that most witchdoctors operate at night, it is not clear which government official will be available for the talks given that this is the time they are usually with their mistresses," a source disclosed.

Another complication is the lack of clarity over which cabinet portfolio the witchdoctors fall under – Culture or Internal Security since most Kenyans rely not on the police but on witchdoctors to protect their property!

Contrary to popular reports, the witchdoctors are not going on strike so that they can be allowed to import human skulls, flywhisks, masks, genitals of wild animals and other witchcraft paraphernalia duty free.

One of their grievances is worry over increased competition from foreign witchdoctors especially from the neighbouring countries. The local practitioners of the dark arts are worried that these foreigners are presenting them with unfair competition with their demeanour and language skills.

"They have an unfair advantage over us – they speak better Swahili... plus they are more polite! The market is tilted in their favour. Serikali saidia!" said one witchdoctor. Alternatively, the local witchdoctors want the language of business in the witchcraft sector changed to English or at least corrupted Swahili. That way the Kenyans will be able to reclaim some of the market share they have lost.

The local witchdoctors are also urging the government to run a campaign to restore pride and confidence in local goods and services including local witchcraft services! Additionally, the witchdoctors want the government to stop the aggressive moves of widening the tax base and spare them from having to install electronic tax registers at their premises with a view to issuing receipts to their customers in order for them to be remitting VAT and other taxes to the government.

"We are not against tax per se, but rather we will be forced to pass on the cost to Kenyans... that's when you will know witchcraft is a basic and a primary need in this country.... you don't want a revolution now, do you?!" pondered a leading witchdoctor.

The witchdoctors also want state recognition for their efforts in the fight against cheating and for their contribution to the advertising industry since they are some of the largest employers given the money they spend on posters.

Kenyans are, however, questioning why the witchdoctors have to go on strike when they could just use their supposed powers to bring their desired change.