Disturbing reality of emotional turmoil after abortion

The process of growth in a fetus in the womb. BELOW: Beatrice Awour telling her experience and pain that she underwent under her class teacher who lead her to abort. [PHOTOS: JENIPHER WACHIE/STANDARD]

It was several years ago in high school, but the images of denied mother-child bond never erased in her mind.

Beatrice Awuor, 24, had been haunted by psychological tumults of a child she never had. She thought of how many birthday candles they would have blown out together; the cuddling and all those cheerful moments they would have shared.

Feelings of guilt prevailed. She felt rushed into the abortion decision. It is this sea of emotions after the physical wounds had healed that, today, has seen her dedicate her time as a volunteer counsellor helping women deal with a topic that is best left hushed; Post Abortion Stress Syndrome.

Growing up in rural Kisumu, Beatrice looked forward to a fruitful education that would liberate her widowed mother and siblings from biting poverty that seemed to have been drawn on the walls of their home. And so she saw a blessing in this man teacher who not only played the father figure, but a mentor who would push her through the education she so craved for.

That he had been paying her school fees and occasionally buying uniform for the day school she attended, made Beatrice believe the teacher was a good neighbour and family friend keen to see her excel.

Little did she know that the man would manipulate her innocence to satiate his desires. And so theirs grew into a sexual relationship and in Form Three, she became pregnant.

That she was in the prime of her youth and pregnant, was regretful and a day after she informed the teacher of the pregnancy, he made it certain that abortion was the absolute decision to avoid embarrassing his social standing.

“How come you are the only one who has become pregnant from the girls who are my friends?” she echoes the words her teacher had made at her pronouncement.

An appointment with a doctor at a local hospital, and Sh3,000 later paid by the teacher, Beatrice says the physical pain from the 20-minute procedure translated to emotional aches days, weeks, months and years later.

“I had frequent headaches, was anxious most of the time, went through gloomy moments, had suicidal thoughts and even attempted it once,” she says adding that a few months later, a feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness crept in prompting her to take Agrovet drugs to end her life.

“The world seemed to have known what I had done and I wanted to end my life, so I went to the teachers’ house while he was away at work, made a concoction of animal-health drugs in milk, drank it and slept waiting for my death,” she narrated.

Luckily, she was rescued and admitted to hospital but at probing by the health workers, she failed to reveal the reason behind the suicidal attempt. On discharge, she had no will to face the world knowing her actions.

While on a visit to one of her sisters’ in Nairobi, she shared with a church elder about her depressed state arising from the abortion but Beatrice says she told the story to her entire family.

“I longed for a non-judgmental ear to take me through this sea of feelings that I was experiencing to understand why I hated myself so much,” says Beatrice.

Counselling Pyschologist Loice Noo, says Post Abortion Stress Syndrome includes anger, frustration and guilt directed at various people she believes led her to have an abortion.

“Counseling is an important aspect of taking responsibility of what happened in the past, forgive oneself and forge forward to an anger and guilt-free life,” says Loice adding that a support group of women who have undergone similar experiences is one of the recovery paths.

Beatrice says that sharing with other women, she found a haven where she felt, safe, was not judged and has led to her healing.

“There are safe places for women who need healing after their abortion where we talk and walk the journey with you. You don’t have to carry the shame or let the secret kill you internally,” she says.

Through seminars, workshops and weekly support group meetings, Aketch Aimba and her colleagues take ladies who have undergone abortion(s)and live in self-pity and condemnation through a 12 week programme to enable them find psychological healing.

Known as Pearls and Treasures, the founder Aketch, notes that we live in a society that ignores the painful consequences of abortion, which is accompanied by denial, anger, fear, shame, guilt and grief.

According to Aketch, who also underwent counseling for her abortion experience, the support group helps women deal with sexuality issues and through the programme, enabling them make healthy choices in their future relationships.

When sand seeps into an oyster shell, it begins to rub against the soft tissue, causing an irritation producing a hard substance acclaimed as the most beautiful and treasured jewel, the luminous pearl, Aketch explained the name of the support group. m

“Just like an ugly oyster shell is an unlikely place to find the lovely gem, so do most of these ladies feel about themselves. Through these meetings, they share that they were worthy to be created and that they are beautiful and precious,” Aketch adds.

Beatrice says her mission to encourage women from emotional turmoil is summarised by the three E’s. “We want to Educate, Equip and Encourage these women that therein their hearts are beautiful women with a second chance in life,” she concludes.

For more information on the Post Abortion Support Group and counselling: www.pearlsandtreasures.org