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Dear freshman, what to watch out when you get to campus

UREPORT
By Brian Wakhungu | September 3rd 2016

Dear freshman, I’m perched on a rickety chair in my airy campus room as I craft this dispatch to you. This place, as you’ll soon learn, owes you nothing — not even a degree. Nonetheless, as an older sibling with three years campus experience, I congratulate you for a high school education well ‘killed’. Slaying algebra and Chemistry Paper 3 is not like IEBC demonstrations. How have you been? Are your letters of admission ready? Did you bribe a doctor to fill up the medical bit in that form? That part about rules on examinations is paramount, re-read it.

If you are caught thieving exams, suspension is a whole year. And you graduate with a pass. Fridays will own a peppery feel of happiness hooked in the air. Bright posters will scream in invitation; freaky Friday. Let’s party till dawn! Parties are good, and alcohol better when you have money — not HELB, lest you burn your liver by gulping cheap liquor. Try not to stagger around at noon. You didn’t study CRE to litter campus with your drunken person. And ooh! I remembered something, you’ve heard of house parties? Take caution when you attend one, especially you little sister. Men in campus are a lustful lot. If spiking your drink will have you suspend chastity, they’ll do so.

Come along with a ‘CU’ friend. It’s safer. Date if you can. It’s the only way of learning about heartbreaks, commitment and for guys; it’ll remind you that your wives are still in Form Two, thinking of burning schools. So, don’t date a fool. If she’s always taking selfies, think twice. If he’s into FIFA, never reads a book or a newspaper, poverty alert! I’m aware that the pastor demanded you abstain. Be aware that temptations will demand otherwise. HIV is alive, roaming about like those lions did on Lang’ata Road. And people get pregnant just after they let out an ‘aww’. Use a condom dude. Ladies, withdrawal is for M-Pesa only! Folks, who you date, are never serious, what are serious are the grades you seduce.

Four years is too short a time to spend finding and losing yourself in a roll of weed, a glass of hooch or a club hammering Ds after Ds in CATs. Curve your own path. Be passionate about something important. If you dance, dance. If you act, act. You’ll be busy pursuing your passion when others nurse body aches after engaging the GSU — during strikes — hapo University Way in tupa teargas nikuridishie antics.

There’s a fat goat graduate that usually chase in the hope of slaughtering, skinning and roasting. He’s called employment. And he’s rare like an Indian’s underwear. To get hired, because no one recognizes medals earned from having lots of casual sex in lots of casual areas, attend your lectures. It’s manageable. ‘Steal exams’ and don’t get caught. Take your assignments seriously and ask the question when everyone wants the lecturer to walk out. As you check in, remember to live within your means, to read good books, to drink lots of water and to watch SpongeBob SquarePants. Have fun!'

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