Fathers must take their role seriously

NAIROBI: Today is Father’s day, the day we celebrate fathers and father figures. This year’s Father’s Day comes soon after a ruling issued by the Kenyan courts bestowing on every child the right to have their father’s name on their birth certificate.

That ruling is interesting and it got me thinking about the place and role of fathers in their children’s lives. Does a father’s name on a birth certificate make one a better father? Does it compel a father to do right by their child? Indeed, what value does that name add to the child’s life, especially in the absence of the bearer of the name?

This court ruling will continue to be discussed in many circles because different people have different feelings about it, but one factor that will remain constant is that whether a father’s name appears on a child’s birth certificate or not, the place of a father, and the role he plays in a child’s life, cannot be traded for anything.

However, in the absence of a [biological] father, the society accepts the many father figures who ably fill in the shoes of fathers.

A CHILD’S LIFESTYLE

So, why do we need fathers and father figures? A father offers a sense of protection and serves as a moral guide to his children. A father is a teacher, a disciplinarian, and a provider. A father imparts knowledge, socialises and acculturates his children.

Most importantly, a father offers affection to his children. Unfortunately, 21st century fatherhood seems to be veering away from the conventional roles of fathers.

This reality hit me squarely this week when I re-read Ken Walibora’s Kiswahili play, Mbaya Wetu (Moran, 2014) which focuses on contemporary parenting.

Mbaya Wetu tells the story of a young man called Matari who spends most of his time drinking illicit liquor in a local hovel. He does not work so he keeps stealing from his parents to sustain his drinking habit and his friends know that he is a thief but they praise him endlessly because he buys them drinks.

They argue that since Matari’s rich relatives cannot help them, they might as well “eat” through Matari’s twisted generosity.

Matari’s parents know that their son is a thief but they do not reprimand him and whenever he steals his father’s farm implements and cows, he just goes ahead to replace them without as much as a word to Matari.

His brother and sister keep warning their parents that they are too lenient with Matari but the two senior citizens see nothing wrong with their last child’s lifestyle.

Matari steals from his sister but their mother warns her not to accuse the young man of theft, claiming that the sister only wishes to slander Matari.

Things come to a head when Matari steals his brother’s cow and sells it to the local butcher.

Tonge, Matari’s brother, insists on suing Matari and the butcher but his parents accuse him of not only embarrassing the family by getting his brother arrested, but also of wishing his brother ill.

Their mother, who is ailing, accuses him of escalating her illness and wishing her dead by having her last child arrested.

Tonge is prevailed upon to accept compensation from the butcher’s family and drop the case against the two thieves. Matari is released but before long, he steals again and is eventually jailed.

Mbaya Wetu raises a fundamental question about not just fathers but parents in general.

Matari’s father has a role to play in shaping his son’s character but he opts to ignore his waywardness and even protects him from the law.

His inability or, indeed, unwillingness to correct his son points to a common situation where fathers are either physically absent or, even when they are present, do not play their role as moral guides.

Indiscipline and waywardness are often a result of lacking parental guidance.

Today’s social economic circumstances have forced parents, particularly fathers, to be away from home and far from their children.

There is an increase, especially in urban areas, of characters like Matari — lazy loafers who are extremely comfortable eating off others’ sweat.

The question that should trouble us is; is the society overburdening fathers or are men just disregarding their responsibility to play their role as dads?

Only a few decades ago, in many societies, fathers were present and directly involved in shaping the character of their children.

Even in the absence of fathers, society provided father figures — uncles, grandfathers, teachers, religious leaders, and even neighbours.

ABSENCE OF FATHERS

Unfortunately today, particularly in urban areas, children belong to the “nuclear” family and a neighbour would not dare reprimand a child lest they face a lawsuit from the parents.

The problem of modern times is that in the absence of a father — whether through death, separation or other personal reasons — so many children are growing up without experiencing the value of fathers and father figures.

Teachers may try to impart a sense of morality but even they are overwhelmed by the students’ numbers and needs. What happens then is that we end up with children like Matari who have no sense of direction.

This is not to say that every child who grows up without a father ends up becoming a criminal. There are so many children who are orphaned, or do not know their [biological] fathers, or whose fathers do not know them but they lead decent lives and grow up to be civilised adults because they have responsible father figures.

Mbaya Wetu kind of children do not only exist because their fathers are absent — after all Matari has a very capable father — but because society has lost its sense of fatherhood.

Walibora’s play reminds us that much as fathers are expected to love their children, they should do so within reason.

Love must be tempered with responsibility. A love such as that which Matari’s father displays is not love; it is irresponsibility.

There is no proof that children who grow up without biological fathers are less normal, socialised or cultured than those who do.

The father is only one part of the whole but the presence of father figures in the lives of such children ensures that they receive the necessary guidance as they grow up.

Fathers are significant only if they complement mothers in parenting or are part of the society that raises the children.

A father [figure] is not in any way more responsible for their children than mothers — it is just that they are often expected to play their half of the role in parenting more responsibly than mothers.

ADMIRABLE VALUES

There is a sense in which fathers are expected to enforce a certain moral value and when that lacks then society feels lost.

Until we rethink the meaning and responsibility of fatherhood, we will continue to raise irresponsible generations.

Unless we return to the basics of fatherhood, we should not complain that we have rotten individuals amongst us and we should accept the wabaya amongst us because we made them and they belong to us.

As we celebrate Father’s Day, let us rethink the responsibility of fathers and father figures. Let fathers retrace their steps and offer children the fatherly guidance they so require.

Most importantly, let our national figure heads offer admirable values that our children can emulate.

A father’s role goes beyond the family therefore it is time persons in positions of responsibility took up their role as father figures seriously. Fathers have the ability to influence society; do not neglect this noble duty.

This Father’s Day, I would like to pay tribute to a man who, for the past 20 years, has been a father [figure] to me as a teacher, mentor, disciplinarian, story teller, counsellor, colleague, and friend — Mwalimu D H Kiiru of the University of Nairobi. PS: Mwalimu, when I grow up, I still want to be you. Happy Father’s Day.

The writer teaches Literature at the University of Nairobi. [email protected]